3 Hard Truths About Dating

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We all know that dating is hard. But sometimes, we unknowingly make it harder than it has to be. One way we do that is by having unrealistic expectations.

People often have idealistic, romanticized expectations of dating, that differ drastically from reality. When they start dating and have difficult experiences, they feel disappointed and worry that something is wrong. This makes dating harder and more painful than it need be.

When you have realistic expectations for dating, you eliminate disappointment and inner turmoil, making it much easier to continue. Dating is a marathon, not a sprint. You want to make it sustainable so that you don’t burn out.

Here’s an example of how your expectations impact your experience. Imagine you’re at the gym and decide to run five miles. You’re in okay shape, so you expect to be able to bang it out with no problem. One mile in, you’re struggling so much that you have to stop. You don’t know why it’s that hard, and you’re beating yourself up for being weak and out of shape. You leave the gym feeling terrible about yourself.

Now imagine the same scenario, except you expect that five miles is going to be difficult. You’re not a runner. You’ve always hated running, and you know you won’t be able to run five miles without stopping a lot. You get started. You pace yourself; you walk when you need to. That day, you do only two miles. You knew it would be hard, so you’re not disappointed in yourself. You now have a baseline for where you are, and you leave the gym ready to try again next time to see if you can get a little further.

The difference here is your expectations. In the first scenario, you had unrealistic expectations, making you feel terrible about yourself. In the second scenario, you had realistic expectations (or no expectations). It was hard, but you expected it to be. You didn’t feel disappointed, beat yourself up, or go into a spiral of shame. You left with more information about yourself and plans for the next time you try.

The same thing happens in dating when we have unrealistic expectations versus realistic expectations. Having realistic expectations takes the self-blame and shame out of the journey. But to have realistic expectations, you need to know the realities of dating.

The following is a list of hard truths about dating that, once you accept, will make your dating journey easier:

1. For the most part, dating isn’t fun or exciting. You might have fun times, but for the most part, dating is work. People often think they’re doing something wrong because they don’t like dating. Or they express sadness that they’re no longer excited about it. They think that means they’re jaded, wounded, or broken. In fact, you don’t know the person you’re going out with, so it’s hard to be excited (unless you’re excited about who you imagine they are, but that usually leads to disappointment). There's vulnerability, which means it’s uncomfortable. Lots of first dates don’t go further than that. There’s uncertainty. It’s a hard and often uncomfortable journey until it isn’t. Once you meet the right person and develop a healthy relationship, dating gets fun and exciting. But most of your dating journey is spent looking for that person, which is work. And that’s OK. Dating doesn’t have to be fun to do it. The work is worth it once you find the right person.
2. Most people you go out with won’t be right for you. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your person. That’s the nature of online dating and modern dating in general. There will be way more wrong-fits than right-fits. Don’t expect every person you go out with to be your person. However, you should expect that you’ll eventually meet the right person. But expecting it to be easy and fast sets you up for disappointment and leads to questioning your self-worth. It would be nice if relationships were simple and love at first sight were real. But relationships are complex and people are at varying stages of readiness for intimacy. Finding a compatible partner isn’t easy, and it’s important not to think it should be.
3. People lie. No one is going to tell you they’re emotionally unavailable or that they’re a pathological liar on a first date (or ever). People put their best foot forward in the beginning. Unfortunately, their best foot is not necessarily an accurate picture of who they are. For example, a friend recently ended things with the guy she was dating because she wanted a commitment but he didn’t. She was angry because, when they first met, she told him she was looking for something serious and he said that he was, too. It turned out he wasn’t looking for something serious. He was perfectly satisfied having someone to talk to, hang out with, and have sex with, without any strings attached. He hadn’t been in a relationship for many years before and likely won’t be in one any time soon. But my friend thought because they had that conversation, everything was clear and decided. Unfortunately, people lie. In addition, they often lack the self-awareness needed to be honest with themselves or someone else about what they want and what they’re ready for. Plenty of emotionally unavailable people don’t know they’re emotionally unavailable. When they tell you they want a relationship (during a great conversation on a first date), there’s a chance they mean it. But that doesn’t mean they’re ready for one. There’s also a chance they don’t mean it. To protect yourself from disappointment (and wasting your time), expect that in the beginning, everyone will tell you good things about themselves and what they want. Give things time to let their actions show you the truth about them.

The hard truths about dating don't mean that dating is horrible or that there's no reason to do it. Dating is a journey. Just because it's hard doesn't mean it isn't meaningful and worth doing. Going into the journey knowing you've got work to do makes it easier to deal with the work you will face.

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