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Do you feel angry, frustrated, and unheard when trying to discuss racism with your family? If so, you’re not alone.
Your family members are not the people you chose to be in your life. Many times, you wouldn’t choose them because they have different views, different values, and you find them difficult to get along with. Familial relationships are often the most difficult relationships because of history, differences, trauma, and unhealed wounds. But your family is there, and while you didn’t choose them, you got them, and it may be worth trying to work on having a better relationship with them.
If you’ve tried to connect with your family for many years, you may think the only option left is to distance yourself. You may feel that being around them is toxic and that it can’t get better. You may be right. But, it could also be that you don’t yet have the relational and communication skills to navigate your differences. You may not know how to communicate with them in a way that leads you forward instead of keeping you stuck.
You may struggle to have relationships with people who are different from you in general, and not just with regard to racism and your family. Many people struggle to manage their differences in relationships. In fact, at the core, most couples come to couples therapy to learn how to manage differences of some kind.
If you struggle to manage differences in relationships in general, it makes sense that trying to navigate racist views that differ from your non-racist views in your familial relationships feels impossible. Again, it may be impossible, but there may be skills you can learn and hone that will allow for better conversations and bit by bit, more connection.
This post is not about how you can change your family or other loved ones. For some, no matter how well-packaged your message is, they cannot see from another point of view. This post is about how you can engage in the conversations differently, so that they may move forward.
Where they move forward to, and how long it takes to move, are out of our control. But implementing these practices will help keep these conversations from blowing up into rageful fights, which makes you both less likely to try again. By learning how to have conversations that are relational and respectful of yourself and humanity, you can create an environment that feels better. When the environment feels better, you may be able to have these conversations more often, and they may lead to new places for all involved.
By practicing these tips, you may find that you feel more connected to your family members. In order to connect, we don’t need to agree. We need to feel seen, heard, and respected. It takes learning new skills and practicing them to be able to connect in our differences. We are taught to fear and dislike our differences, not to connect in them. That doesn’t mean it isn’t possible. It is possible, and it’s important to learn how.
These practices will support your relationship in growing; they may lead to deeper discussions; they will promote an environment in which, if change is possible, it will happen. People are far more likely to be able to see things differently when they are in an environment that feels safe, rather than when they feel combative and unsafe.
The “change” that happens could be that others see things differently, or that you see things differently, or that you feel differently toward people, which changes how you approach them. It’s hard to know what changes will happen when you engage with people around difficult topics in a relational way, but when you do it differently, you will get a different result for certain.
Even if you and your family never see things the same way when it comes to racism, you will certainly see each other in evolving ways, and feel better about talking about racism. It is not your job to change your family or fix them, but if you want to feel better when engaging with them, these skills will support you.
The following is a list of ways you can practice engaging with your family that may leave you feeling less angry, hurt, and small. Some of these are communication skills that require engaging with your family differently. Others require you to be with yourself in a different way. These are not easy skills to build, but they are effective when practiced:
- Practice deep empathy. It’s important to practice being in touch with empathy for others, even when their views are painful, harmful, and racist. As a white person, your privilege may make this more possible because you’ve witnessed racism rather than experiencing it first hand. Regardless, this is not an easy ask, and I understand not wanting to do this. I understand not believing you’re able to do this. But, approaching people with hate is harmful to yourself, as well as ineffective in relationships. If you want to have a meaningful conversation, being in touch with empathy will support you, whereas anger and hate may not help you to engage in effective ways (though those are understandable and valid emotions!). Try to remember that your family is not separate from their family history, racist messages that have been passed down for generations, and remaining in communities that confirm their racism because it is so deeply ingrained in them that they don’t even see it. They aren’t evil; they are unaware. Empathy for them is not excusing them. It’s understanding that they are doing the best they can with what they’ve got, and if and when they grow, they’ll be able to do even better. Empathy means approaching them with respect for their humanity, hope for their evolution, and love in your heart.
- Remain curious. Instead of responding with defensiveness, explaining, arguing, etc., try to ask questions about where what they’re telling you comes from. Have they considered this other idea? What about that idea don’t they like? How do they feel talking to you about this? The more you understand, the more empathy you’ll have, and the more you’ll be able to engage in a way that leads to more conversations instead of fewer conversations.
- Self-soothe. During these conversations, you’re going to get activated. When you feel activated, it’s biologically going to be more difficult to engage skillfully, hear clearly, and speak clearly. To de-activate yourself, you can regularly check in with yourself about how you’re feeling. Make sure your breath isn’t shallow or even completely stopped; when your breath is shallow or stopped, you’re likely in an activated state, and the more you refrain from breathing regularly, the more activated you’ll get. Try to keep breathing. Deepen each breath and elongate each breath. By remaining embodied and in a calmer state, you will have access to all parts of yourself, which will give you more tools to engage with and with which to take care of yourself.
- Use inclusive anger. When you notice you feel anger, you can either react with it, shut down from it, try to push it away, disconnect, or you can self-soothe by breathing deeply, and then share with words that you’re feeling angry. You can invite the person to hear about your anger. Ask if they are willing to hear why you’re angry. Share about your anger in a way that is rooted in the belief that it’s ok to be angry, and that others can deal with your anger. Anger isn’t a problem. Volatile behavior is. Rather than pushing others away with anger, you can practice inviting them in. This is easier said than done, but it’s an important skill and definitely possible.
- Speak from your emotions in the moment. Instead of reacting from your emotions, communicate what your emotions are. Let the person know how they are impacting you. Often the person has no idea how hurt you are, and is reacting from their own defensiveness. Communicating, “I feel so hurt when you say that,” is better information than arguing a point because you feel hurt. Communicating your emotions will bring the conversation to the present moment and slow things down a bit. Do this repeatedly through conversations.
- Go slowly. Try to move forward in the conversation slowly by checking in with your feelings, taking deep breaths, and being intentional with how you respond and communicate. When you get activated, you’ll start to speed up. When you speed up, you influence the other to as well. Notice if you’re speeding up, and intentionally slow down. You need to remain embodied and in a calm enough state so that you have access to think critically and utilize emotional intelligence.
- Be OK without a resolution. It’s important to know that these conversations likely won’t have resolutions. Be aware of when you’ve had enough, and end it for the day. It’s better to end it before it becomes too overwhelming so that you can replenish yourself emotionally, and feel prepared to continue having these conversations. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
I also want you to know that you do not have to work so hard with your family if you don’t want to. It’s ok if you’ve made the decision to create a different family. You have to do what’s best for you and sometimes that means making the difficult choice to cut yourself off from family. But often it is very painful to cut ties, and people are not ready to do that. That’s also OK. I believe that if there is a way to lessen that toxicity and create a better relationship, it’s worth a shot.
