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Whether it’s a 12-step program, or more formal individual or group therapy, the journey of healing from out-of-control sexual behaviors is multifold. Yes, people address the external actions of their compulsive behaviors, whether it’s compulsive pornography use or paying for sex workers. But addressing the behaviors and associated triggers that lead someone to use sex to cope is just the beginning. The deeper work lies in helping the client work through the shame of their compulsions and uncovering the origins of how and why it started and persisted. The final frontier for clients is not only releasing the shame but also getting to a point of acceptance.
First off, acceptance does not mean rationalizing that their behaviors were acceptable. The acceptance I’m referring to is one where the recovering person accepts themselves wholeheartedly and is at peace with who they are and the circumstances that lead to their compulsions. Some clients in recovery want to distance themselves and rid themselves of any notion of their past. They want to “put the past behind them” and “move on”. They don’t ever want to explore their past, their wounds, or their vulnerabilities that led them down the road towards sexual compulsivity. Instead, they see this as a major challenge to conquer as opposed to an opportunity to engage more deeply with the lifelong lessons their behavior wants to teach them.
Beyond accepting of self, there’s also the lesson of spiritual acceptance. In 12-step programs, it’s called a “higher power”. Religious circles might identify with a particular God. And for others who don’t like either term, the Universe may be a better fit. Regardless of the terminology, the impact is what we’re looking for. How does someone in recovery let go and realize they are not in control of the world? Yes, those in recovery make choices that determine if they remain sober or not. But beyond the healthy choices that we would want them to make comes the broader definition of control that we are ultimately not in control of our lives. We can surrender to something beyond ourselves be it a God, a Higher Power, or Mother Earth. Other examples of “higher power” include moral principles, patriotism, civic engagement, and quite importantly, a higher or better self. This tension of both having the power to exercise some modicum of control in our lives is balanced with the greater spiritual notion that we are at the mercy of the universe.
This healthy respect and understanding of our limitations can be intimidating and freeing. Intimidating to those who struggle to acknowledge we are not always the source of our own destiny and freeing for those who can surrender and rely on an entity beyond themselves.
Lastly, spiritual acceptance can also make a person in recovery find meaning and hope. There might not even be a name for it so long as one is in flow with oneself and in harmony from within and from the external world.
