What to Do If Your Child Touches Their Private Parts in Public

Source: Photo by Andre Mohamed on Unsplash

As a therapist trained in marriage and family therapy as well as sexual health, I hear countless stories of parents yelling in disgust or shame at their children when their children are caught touching themselves in public. “Stop touching yourself!” or “Don’t do that!” is what the child hears. What the child interprets, though, is much more. The child can come away from these experiences believing that their private areas are a place of shame. Their touching behaviors associated with their private parts also become shame-bound. They may learn that their parents are not interested in who they are or what’s leading them to these behaviors but more concerned about public image.

Children will naturally be curious about their bodies. As toddlers, there will be a natural curiosity and it would behoove parents to use correct, anatomical terms to teach their kids words such as penis or vagina as opposed to cute words such as “pee-pee,” “willy,” “twinkie,” or “foo-foo.” It’s important for kids to understand that their private parts are to be taken seriously and belong to them alone. Associating them with games or cute words may make them view their private parts as inconsequential or something that’s meant for play on the mild end of the spectrum, and perhaps vulnerable to predators on the extreme end of the spectrum.

In my work, it’s important for parents to also understand that when their young children start touching themselves, parents shouldn't label that behavior as “wrong” or “dirty.” This is natural exploration and parents need to recognize that it’s pleasurable, otherwise a child wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. Obviously, if they’re touching themselves in public, you’ll want to remind your children that those behaviors should be done in private just as much as they wouldn’t be urinating in public.

If you feel that your child is obsessed with touching themselves then curiosity is the key. You could affirm that it does feel good to touch their privates while also asking what it is they may be avoiding. Children can compulsively touch themselves just as much as adults masturbate compulsively due to emotional or relational stressors. Your job is to non-judgmentally seek out what may be causing the child distress. Common scenarios such as family strife (yelling or tension, divorce, domestic violence), transitions (moving to a new city or school), or fear (punishment, crime) can induce a child to seek safety on their own.

As a parent, you can teach your child to find other ways to help them self-soothe. Oftentimes, parents can help their children by giving them backrubs, playing music, or simply talking to them as a means of giving them other alternatives. If the touching escalates, continues in public, or seems to be beyond what you feel is heathy, then professional help with a pediatrician or therapist may be needed.