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Key points
- Having ADHD in your relationship can complicate thinking about leaving.
- Asking yourself specific questions can help illuminate your choices.
- Consider your contribution to the relationship problems before deciding to leave.
If you’ve been struggling, you might be asking, "Is this partnership ever going to work?" When one or both of you have mental health issues, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), the issue becomes even more complex. Are the issues you face related to symptoms that could be managed? Part of the person? What if that partner isn’t interested in managing or treating the symptoms? What if they try but simply can’t?
Whether to call it quits is a hard decision. Ultimately, only you can look into your heart and soul and determine whether it’s time for you to leave. That said, there are some specific questions I suggest people ask themselves before they decide to end things.
1. Are You Bringing Your Best Self?
You’re struggling, and it’s easy to blame your partner. But what do you bring to your relationship issues that you might be able to improve? Take a hard and humble look at this. If you find you’re chronically angry, can’t stop managing your partner, are disengaged, are highly volatile, have an addiction or other ongoing issues, or are usually defensive rather than transparent, you may have work to do. Ideally, you don’t leave a committed relationship until you are confident that you are contributing your best self and can gain no further improvement based upon things that you, yourself, control.
2. Does Your Partner Have Integrity?
Do they have moral and ethical consistency? John Gottman’s research around trust suggests that one important element of trust is "positive moral certainty." He defines this as knowing your partner is a moral, ethical person. It delineates how you think your partner will treat you with respect, integrity, kindness, and good intentions.
This is particularly important for couples who struggle with adult ADHD. The symptoms of ADHD can cause that partner to deliver inconsistently on promises, thus eroding trust. Knowing that your partner has integrity, even if she has forgotten to follow through on something, can reassure you that it was the symptom—not the person’s intention—that led to the problem. Symptoms of ADHD are often able to be managed well enough for trust. Rebuilding integrity in a person who regularly deceives, on the other hand, is a much bigger challenge.
3. Are You Both Engaged in Improving Your Relationship?
One of you alone cannot fix a relationship between two people. If either partner refuses to do the work needed, then almost by definition, the relationship will not measurably improve.
It is possible that a partner (for example, someone recently diagnosed with ADHD) is not yet able to engage but clearly has the ability to do so. Or that a partner who previously struggled to acknowledge ADHD (or, say, an addiction) can do so now or in the near future. Assess their likelihood of growth. The bottom line is that you can only wait so long for your partner to develop a willingness to engage.
4. Are You in Love With Your Fantasy Partner or Your Real Partner?
Many ADHD relationships start off as highly attached and exciting. Extra dopamine released during infatuation creates a "hyperfocus courtship" that can feel great to them both. Then, the dopamine wears off, and things move into your daily mode.
It is all too easy for non-ADHD partners to remain attached to the idea of the hyperfocused partner. One thinks, "I know my partner can be this amazing partner because I’ve seen it with my own eyes." As a result, you might push your partner to be a certain way or give them the benefit of the doubt too often.
When you’re questioning whether you should stay in a relationship, it’s definitely time to take off the rose-colored glasses and look at how your partner actually behaves rather than how you wish they would behave. It can be depressing to do this, but it is a key part of understanding what your partner is capable of—or even interested in—changing.
5. Have You Looked Into Your Heart to Identify Your True Deal Breakers?
The decision to leave a relationship is rarely taken lightly, particularly if there are children involved. It may help you to do a thoughtful evaluation of your wants, desires, and deal breakers. You need to know what is so important that you are willing to end the relationship to get it, what is nice to have, and what falls between. An excellent resource to help you work through this process is the book Boundary Boss (note that this book was written with women in mind). You may find that you may be able to get your most important needs met with some specific work or not.
Taking a deep look at your own boundaries and values is an exercise I believe every person should go through if they are considering ending a relationship.
6. Is the Relationship Emotionally or Physically Abusive?
There is a difference between a high-conflict relationship, in which there is an ongoing power struggle between the partners, and an emotionally abusive relationship, in which one partner seeks to gain power over the other partner.
Abusive relationships run in patterns that keep abused partners tied to them. If you feel you may be in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help, including talking with an abuse hotline, to understand your actions and options.
7. Is the Fear of Possible Pain (or Loneliness) Keeping You in Your Relationship?
I believe that fear of being alone or of other pain should generally not be the deciding factor in whether to stay in a relationship. Because if you’re thinking about leaving, then you are already in considerable pain, albeit familiar pain. Unlike the pain you will feel when you divorce, which hopefully is temporary, the pain you are currently feeling will be long-term unless you are both engaged in improving the relationship (it all comes down to this, really).
Sometimes, parents think about the pain they might cause their children, and there is good reason to do so. But try to differentiate between your fears of the unknown and the reality of your situation. Staying in a truly dysfunctional or abusive relationship can provide a poor model for children and, often, an unstable environment.
Anticipated financial pain is another factor. Get a good view of your financial rights as you consider a new life and how you might sustain that life for yourself and any children you have. This can help you understand whether fear is driving your decisions or reality. You might not be able to afford to be single right now but might well be able to position yourself to be more financially independent in the future.
8. Have You Thoroughly Explored Help Available?
A professional can help you work through this decision, as well as work through any childhood or personal issues that might be contributing to your relationship struggles (back to that idea of bringing your own best self to the relationship). Another resource is a good book by Mira Kirschenbaum, Too Good to Leave/Too Bad to Stay, which can help you sort through the various elements of a healthy relationship and compare your own situation to that benchmark.
Resources focused on helping couples impacted by ADHD are particularly important if that is an issue you face. Seek support services from those who are experts in the topic.
No one likes to contemplate ending a relationship. I hope asking these questions will help provide insight into your choices.
