A Plea to Viewers of Reality Dating Shows

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I haven’t watched the sixth season of Netflix’s hit reality show Love Is Blind. I’m not sure I will, but if I do, there’s one thing I can guarantee: I won’t write any articles analyzing the contestants' actions and personalities. This is an increasingly popular thing for experts to do, though. More and more therapists — until recently, me included — are commenting on reality television, looking for evidence of attachment styles, poor communication, ruptures of trust, boundary issues, and more.

It makes sense: Reality TV gives us ample material to work with, and many therapists — again, me included — want to ensure that viewers aren’t internalizing the wrong messages or lessons.

So, let me tell you why I won’t comment on these shows anymore.

What We See Isn’t Real

We know that reality television isn’t reality, but many viewers don’t realize just how true this is. Producers have storylines for cast members and general plots they want to achieve, and they then coax cast members into giving them the content they need. Cast members are asked specific questions or told to have certain conversations in pursuit of this. This, plus editing that can make almost any storyline possible, means that what we’re watching is closer to fiction than reality.

Commenting on reality television as if what we’re watching is accurate, then, feels wrong to me. The more that former cast members speak up about the truth, the more we realize how heavily manufactured and edited the shows are, and the extent to which we’re watching a producer’s creation instead of people’s authentic interactions.

Expert Opinions Carry More Weight

Commenting on cast members’ decisions fuels the public narrative about these individuals, especially when experts offer their opinions. A psychologist claiming that a cast member has an anxious attachment style means a lot more than if it comes from a layperson. And these claims, even if they’re framed as guesses, can have a lasting impact on how the world views cast members — and how the cast members view themselves.

So, as an expert, I don’t want to add my voice to the mix anymore. Even if I put a disclaimer at the start — that shows are so edited that we should consider them fiction — I worry that people will still think what I write is true. Until we can all agree that reality television is not reality, it feels too risky.

Cast Members Suffer

Although cast members don’t always know what their edit will look like, and can end up being shocked by what they watch if they know it’s far from the truth of their experience, they usually can’t speak out due to restrictive non-disclosure agreements (NDAs). This means that they have to endure whatever public opinions emerge, which can include harsh judgment and backlash. Anyone with a "villain edit" is guaranteed to face a storm of online harassment, but even people with relatively neutral onscreen portrayals can struggle to accept the inaccurate way the world views them.

Many former cast members talk about the mental health issues they’ve suffered after appearing on a reality show. They talk about identity crises, anxiety, depression, trauma symptoms, and low self-esteem. A few have committed suicide. It’s no small thing to have the entire world see you inaccurately, and then condemn you for it.

“But They Signed Up For It”

Invariably, many of you reading this will say to yourself, “But cast members signed up for this! They knew what they were getting into, so why can’t we judge them? No one forced them to act the way they did.”

And I get it. I used to think these same things.

The more I’ve learned about the industry, though, the more my eyes have been opened to how untrue this is. Cast members don’t know what they’re signing up for. They don’t know the extent of the manipulation, or how impactful lack of sleep, plus the abundance of alcohol, will be on their decision-making. They don’t know how distressing it will be to get cut early or to wait for the show to air, having no idea how they’ll come across or knowing their most painful moments will be broadcast for the world’s entertainment and judgment.

And even if they did have a true understanding of what they were signing up for, I still wouldn’t want to contribute to the collective judgment of them. No one deserves to be publicly crucified for their most vulnerable moments or mistakes.

How I Watch Shows Now

I still watch reality television, mainly to stay informed as I’m now engaged in advocacy to change this industry. When I watch shows, I consider them fiction and see cast members as actors. I don’t hold them responsible for their actions, at least not solely.

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Most importantly, I read between the lines. I’m critical of jump cuts and scenes with voiceovers where I can't see the person talking, and I always look for evidence of "frankenbiting," or lines edited together from multiple pieces of dialog. I don’t assume that any drama I see is accurate; instead, I assume it’s a combination of careful questioning plus very skilled editing.

And if and when egregious things happen, I will now hold the show’s production team responsible. I did that here even when I called out emotional abuse on Season Three of Love Is Blind. Instead of attacking the cast member, I asked where the producers were: Why didn’t they intervene? Why didn’t they provide support for the couple? Why didn’t they educate viewers on healthy communication?

My Plea to Viewers

1. Enjoy reality television, but be a conscious consumer. Let the shows move you to tears or anger, but remember that although you’re watching real people, the stories (and how they came to unfold) are not organic and might even be completely inaccurate.
2. Educate yourself about how reality TV is made. Read about how plots are scripted before casting is even finished. Look up confessions about what happens behind the scenes on shows. Watch interviews with "villains" to get to know them when they're not being edited to elicit a certain reaction or play a certain part. And generally, learn more about what role producers and editors play.
3. And if, after all this, you still truly hate someone you see on the screen, please refrain from telling them. You don't know the real story of what happened or who they are. Letting them know you dislike them on social media won't help them or you. Many times, the apparent villains are actually wonderful people in real life, and viewers' judgments and words cause harm them. If you want to connect with a cast member, pick someone you liked and give them support.