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Key points
- Waiting to get engaged can bring up a lot of feelings, including anxiety and uncertainty.
- It's important to have open conversations with a partner about this decision.
- Having a timeline for moving forward in a relationship is acceptable, but avoid threats or ultimatums.
If you're excited to be engaged and take the next step toward commitment in your relationship, it can be very upsetting when your partner doesn't move at the pace you want them to. People often feel like their life is on pause or they're falling behind, and that they have no control over changing that. Holidays like Valentine's Day can escalate these feelings, since there's hope and outside pressure that the engagement will finally happen.
Many of my clients have been in this situation and grappled with how to remain calm and patient while also advocating for their wants and needs when it comes to marriage. If you're in this boat, here's what to do.
Give Yourself Permission to Feel
First, it hopefully goes without saying that it is perfectly alright to feel upset. Society does a great job of minimizing or denying people's feelings, telling women that they should be the "cool girl" who doesn't worry about things like getting engaged or starting a family, and telling men that they can't have any feelings at all except for anger.
If you're anxious, sad, disappointed, or annoyed, go ahead and feel those feelings. Explore where they're coming from and what they're trying to tell you. Did you think you and your partner were on the same page, but now it seems like you want different things? It's perfectly alright to feel sad and disappointed about that. Or maybe you think your partner doesn't actually want to build a life with you even though they love you. Who wouldn't feel anxious and frustrated in that situation?
Let yourself feel and explore your emotions. This will help guide you in what next steps you should take. It helps to have this insight before addressing the topic with your partner so you have awareness of what you need to share and what you need to ask.
Have a Conversation
Good communication is a key ingredient of healthy relationships. Before you spiral into imagining yourself alone for the rest of your life, have an open conversation with your partner in which you each share your feelings, hopes, and needs.
Some suggestions for this talk:
- Bring up the topic when you both have time to discuss it—as in, not when they're running out the door to work.
- Try to avoid making assumptions or accusations; their feelings on the topic might surprise you.
- Start by sharing your feelings and hopes; let them know what you'd like in terms of moving forward.
- Be curious about their idea of the future when it comes to your relationship, and be open to hearing about their feelings and needs, too.
Take Matters into Your Own Hands
Some people have an amazing partner who is wonderful in so many ways but is just not good at getting things done: the person who doesn't book the moving truck until the day before you move, or who decides to iron their clothes minutes before you're supposed to be leaving for a party. These are lovely people who may have great intentions and goals, but struggle with planning, initiating tasks, or execution. (These are classic executive functioning issues, which we often see in people who have ADHD.)
If this sounds like your partner (and you've had a conversation in which you both agree you want to get engaged), you can always take matters into your own hands. Want to get engaged? How about you grab a ring and pop the question yourself? While there are still some traditions around proposals, hopefully as a society we're letting go of those expectations and opening up to different ways of starting marriages.
You're Allowed to Have a Timeline
Many people are told they need to "calm down and wait," but you're allowed to have a time limit on making this big commitment. And many people are told not to bring it up because it will seem clingy or threatening, but in a good relationship you should always feel you can ask for what you want. Your partner doesn't have to comply, of course, but you should feel you can ask.
If you want to get married and your partner is dodging the question or dragging their feet, let them know it's important to you to discuss this step. But be prepared for the unfavorable outcome: If you say you really want to get engaged within the year and they don't pop the question (or outright say they don't feel ready in that timeframe), you'll have to decide if you're going to say goodbye or see if your partner reaches the point of wanting to get married.
Avoid Threats and Ultimatums
While it's okay to have a timeline, it's not a good idea to give a partner an ultimatum to propose within your window. "If we aren't engaged by the new year, I'm leaving you" feels threatening, and while it might push a partner into proposing, it could also lead to a lot of resentment. Ultimatums can also have the opposite effect, making a partner dig in their heels against getting engaged since they feel controlled and coerced, and even more uncertain about wanting to start a marriage.
Instead of ultimatums, start with a conversation (or a few) about your relationship's future. If you agree you want to get married but things haven't moved forward in a while, share your timeline for when you'd like to take this step. Even better: Have a conversation in which you discuss a timeline together, so you'll both feel heard and that you were able to participate in making this big decision.
Reframe It as an Opportunity
Building a life with someone requires hard conversations and compromise, but it doesn't mean sacrificing things that are important to you. Discussing an engagement can give you the chance to look ahead together, sharing your long-term hopes and dreams, and helping you decide if you want to build a wonderful life together or if your paths are too diverging to make it work. And if you do want to be together forever, approach the engagement decision as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Your marriage will be stronger if you can lead with curiosity and empathy in difficult conversations.
