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Key points
- It's okay to feel disappointed if you aren't intimate, and it's also okay not to want sex on Valentine's Day.
- Pressure to be intimate can dampen libido and make you less inclined to have sex.
- Expert advice includes centering pleasure and having open conversations with your partner.
Valentine’s Day is full of chocolate-dipped strawberries, champagne, lingerie, and beds covered in rose petals for every couple, right? And isn't that a perfect environment for sex?
Let’s look past the fact that most people’s Valentine’s Day doesn’t include those things — and doesn’t need to, either. Still, many people do hope for (or expect) some intimacy on February 14. So what does it mean if you don’t have sex?
It's Okay to Be Disappointed
If having physically intimacy is important to you because it’s a way you feel close and connected to your partner, then it makes sense you’d be disappointed if you don’t have sex. It’s the same as if you planned to have a quiet dinner together for Valentine’s Day only to have your partner get stuck at work, you’d feel sad to miss that quality time together.
It’s worth exploring more about why having sex today was important to you. Maybe your intimacy has been flagging lately because you haven’t been making it a priority and you planned to revive that part of your relationship today. Maybe you’re looking for reassurance that your partner still finds you attractive or wants to be intimate, too. Think about what having sex would have meant to you and why you’re upset it didn’t happen.
It's Also Okay if You Don't Want Sex
On the other hand, it’s okay if having sex on February 14th isn’t important to you. Give yourself permission to not want to be intimate with your partner. You don’t have to be in the mood just because Cupid tells you to be. After all, having sex shouldn’t be checking a box. Valentine’s Day comes with a lot of set expectations for what couples should be doing, but the pressure isn’t helpful, and many couples find that all the “shoulds” don’t actually make them feel closer and happier.
It's perfectly understandable and normal to not be in the mood on Valentine's Day. Maybe it's actually an especially busy day at work for you and the stress is edging out any desire to be romantic. Or maybe you're so exhausted from doing special Valentine's Day gift bags and activities with your kids that you don't have much left in the tank for your partner. You might have much more interest in sex the day after, when the pressure is gone and you can relax. That's okay.
Valentine’s Day Can Have Different Effects on Libido
Sex researcher Emily Nagoski has written two insightful, research-based books about how people should think about, talk about, and approach sexual intimacy. She explains that people have two systems that contribute to their libido- gas (things that get them going) and brakes (things that lower or stop that drive) (Nagoski, 2015). Valentine’s Day could be either one depending on how you feel about it.
Do you love the dedicated day to loving and cherishing your partnership? Then today might be a “gas” for you, and you'll feel extra excited to hop into bed. However, if you feel stressed from the pressure of making today perfect, then February 14th could be a brake, making you less eager for a roll in the hay. Again, we could all benefit from recognizing and reducing the pressure we put on this one day (especially pressure and stress are libido killers).
The stereotypical Valentine's Day activities can also have differing impacts. For example, does a bed covered in perfectly placed rose petals get you going? If it does, great! It's a very beautiful, romantic idea. And if it doesn't, that's also okay! For example, I have terrible allergies, and seeing flowers strewn across my bed would send me into a sneezing frenzy. It would not make me want to jump into bed; it would make me want to strip the sheets and do laundry.
Focus on Pleasure Instead of Frequency or "the Right Day”
Nagoski works hard to dismantle the “desire imperative,” the societal belief that people in relationships should have that magical “spark” or spontaneous desire in which they literally can’t keep their hands off each other. In the desire imperative’s perspective, if couples lose that elusive spark, they’ve done something wrong. And they need to get it back or their sex life (and possibly relationship) is doomed.
Instead of focusing on the pressure to be struck by impulsive, unrestrained lust on Valentine’s Day, Nagoski would recommend “centering pleasure” (Nagoski, 2023). Only talking about when sex did or didn’t happen is missing the most important part: when you’re being intimate, are you enjoying it? In general, people would rather have great sex once a month than mediocre, obligatory sex every week. Talk to your partner to co-create a satisfying sex life, which might not be one that meets societal expectations.
So What Does It Mean if We Don't Have Sex?
If you wanted to be intimate with your partner and it didn’t happen, it means you need to have a conversation. Some questions you might want to ask include: Did they want to have sex too? What got in the way? Do you feel disappointed because you “failed” at Valentine’s Day, or because you really did want to have that physical closeness? Did you avoid being intimate when you had the opportunity for some reason? Were you anxious to initiate? Were you hoping they would be the one to kickstart things and kept waiting for that to happen?
This conversation should be the start of a larger, continuous dialogue about your sex life, which is something that all couples should foster. As important as physical intimacy is in relationships, couples often avoid having open conversations about it. Talking about sex is intimacy, and it’s the type of intimacy that will lead to more closeness and connection, and yes, probably more sex, too.
References
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science of women's sexual wellbeing. Simon & Schuster.
Nagoski, E. (2024). Come together: The science (and art!) of creating lasting sexual connections. Ballantine Books.
