Why Happy Occasions Can Make Us Sad

Source: Krystine I. Batcho

“Shining eyes, wedding bells, candlelight,” sang Jimmy Sturr as he described a father’s experience of his daughter’s wedding day. Amid the elegance of the joyful occasion, the father drifts to daydreams of “sunny days through the years.” But the memories of embraces, smiles, stories, and dances are recounted in melancholy tones. Do you cry at weddings, graduations, christenings, and other happy events? Have you ever been so happy that you were brought to tears of joy? During happy occasions, interactions between memories and emotions can elicit sadness along with joy.

• Remembering good people and times in the past can remind us that they are gone forever. The past is irretrievable, as the passage of time is irreversible. Sweet memories of yesterday are inherently tinged with such bittersweet sentiment. We’re happy that we’ve enjoyed them but sad that we couldn’t keep them or bring them back. In his song "Time in a Bottle," Jim Croce explained that if he could make days last forever, he’d “save every day till eternity passes away” just to spend them with the one he loved.
• Some events can remind us not only of what we no longer have but also of what we never had. When celebrating the successes and good fortune of others, an individual can think that they might not have had similar advantages or good experiences. Listening to someone recount stories of family vacations or beloved affectionate pets can make someone feel cheated, never having had such experiences.
• Even though we might be happy, we can also feel the sting of disappointment when an event or accomplishment doesn’t live up to our hopes or aspirations. Anticipation can lead to unrealistic images of what is to be, and the actuality can focus attention on what is missing, rather than what is present. As John Lennon sang, “And so this is Christmas, and what have we done?” The young child hoping for a pony might not fully appreciate the gifts they received.
• Often even good events can be marred by unwanted or unfavorable aspects. It can be disappointing when it rains at an outdoor wedding or when the wait times for rides at an amusement park seem excessively long. Joy can be diminished by negative emotions such as annoyance or discomfort.
• ·Memories can cut both ways. As we reminisce, unpleasant memories can surface along with the pleasant. Graduation can elicit memories of challenging medical conditions, failing grades along the way, or struggles with bullying. On an anniversary, reverie can revisit the stressful times along with the good ones.
• It can be painful to accept the imperfections of even the best of life. Buying a home can bring pride and excitement, but while moving in, one can also feel the sting of “settling” for what was possible on a limited budget, rather than the thrill of finding one’s dream home.
• One way that conceptual knowledge is organized in semantic memory is in terms of oppositional relationships. If someone says large, it is common to think small, if someone says day, it is common to think night, and if someone says happy, it is common to think sad. It is not surprising then to feel sad during a happy time, as happy thoughts evoke sad ones. The activation of the opposite can occur without conscious deliberate effort. How concepts and things are related is represented in our knowledge base. Relationships are essential to our ability to understand reality.
• In a joyful situation, we can be robbed of some of the happiness by prematurely missing it, as if it has already been relegated to the past. Anticipatory nostalgia can trigger sadness by eliciting yearning and longing for what is still ongoing.

What can we do when sadness threatens our full enjoyment of happy occasions?

When confronted with sadness during what should be happy times, we can use the anticipatory impulse to savor the present. Research shows that savoring the present builds a foundation of nostalgic memories and promotes optimism. Being in the moment can remind us that the very fact that it is transient and fleeting should motivate us to make the most of it. Treasure it while you can. Engage fully and let yourself be immersed in the good of the good times. Deal with the future when it comes.