The Psychological Richness of Single Life

Single life is often characterized as a lesser life as if it is something we poor single people have to “come to terms with,” as if it were a deadly disease. As if no one would choose to be single and to stay single.

All that is so last century. As I learned in my research for Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life, for many people, single life is a life of potential. It is a psychologically rich life, full of interesting and unique experiences. For people such as the single at heart who embrace their single lives, single life is a door that opens to a world of possibilities.

The Freedoms of Single Life

Within the constraints of their resources and opportunities, single people have the freedom to create the lives they find most authentic, meaningful, and fulfilling. They get to chart their own life courses, rather than defaulting to a conventional path centered around marriage.

Single people who live alone can arrange their everyday lives just as they wish. They can choose where to live, and how to use their space. They can reimagine holidays. They can make big, life-changing decisions by following their hearts.

Because of laws, policies, and practices that favor married people, single people have more obstacles in their path to financial security. But they have financial freedom; they get to decide how much to save or to spend, and how to spend their money.

Many who are single at heart use their freedom to continue to learn and to grow throughout their lives. Some choose meaningful work. Caring can be at the heart of single life, as when single people choose to be there for other people and their communities.

Of course, people who are married or romantically coupled often have some freedom too. But on average, they don’t get as much out of their freedom as single people do, research shows. Valuing freedom is linked to happiness for both single and coupled people, but the connection is stronger for single people.

Relationships, Family, Intimacy, and Love

The regressive belief that single life is a lesser life is evident in the language used to refer to single people. Words and phrases such as “alone,” “unattached,” and “doesn’t have anyone” are used as if they are synonyms for single. As if they are the definition of single. Often, just the opposite is true.

• Instead of building a life around The One, single people often have The Ones – they get to be as attentive as they want to as many different people as they want, without worrying that a romantic partner expects that time and attention to belong to them.

• Instead of the conventional practice of using the word “relationship” as a shorthand for a romantic relationship, the single at heart recognizes that “relationship” is a great big open-hearted experience that can include relationships with friends, relatives, neighbors, mentors, coworkers, and teammates; people in our clubs, religious organizations, and volunteer groups; as well as ancestors, spiritual figures, and pets.

• Same for love. To the single at heart, love includes so much more than just romantic love. For example, a 47-year-old single-at-heart schoolteacher told me, “I love my students, my pets, and pursuing my creative endeavors. My family, pets, and friends love me. My students love me.”

• To the single at heart, family can include the people we usually think of as family, but it can also include the people we choose to be our family.

• Intimacy can include sexual intimacy, but for the single at heart, emotional intimacy counts too. A 61-year-old single-at-heart woman said, “When people share their deepest sorrows, fears, and joys with you, that’s intimacy. Giving people long hugs is intimacy.” To the single at heart, sensuality, and not just sexuality, is valued and appreciated.

The Secret Superpower of the Single at Heart

Something I did not anticipate before collecting data on the single at heart was the importance of solitude. Every person who shared their life story for Single at Heart, and just about everyone who scored as single at heart in the survey, said that they cherish the time they have to themselves. Because they appreciate that time, they are especially unlikely to feel lonely. Time alone does not undermine their lives; instead, it adds to the psychological richness of them.