Why Does Making Friends Get Harder as We Age?

Throughout my adolescent years, school served as my sanctuary, a realm where I effortlessly fostered friendships and embraced my outgoing nature. I held the belief that a bustling social life equated to likability, countering the negative messages prevalent in my home environment. In my safe space, I could be outgoing, funny, and likable.

This continued in college, where I prioritized social gatherings and rarely missed a party during my first couple of years. But something happened once I hit junior year. I started to realize that when I thought about the moments where I felt most at ease, the moments where I felt truly connected with others were the quiet nights in with my roommates having conversations and not the loud parties where most would not even remember having seen me. I was starting to mature.

In adulthood, I crave those intimate moments and shared connections with friends yet struggle to find them. It seemed easier when I was in college, surrounded by endless social opportunities. When I talk to others my age, I find that I am not alone.

As we transition from childhood to adolescence and eventually into adulthood, the process of making friends can become increasingly complex and challenging. While childhood may have seemed effortless in terms of building friendships, many individuals find that as they grow older, making new friends becomes somewhat of a daunting task. Yet research shows that loneliness is a major concern for older adults, who crave social connections but struggle to meet that need (Lim et al., 2020).

Source: Image by TréVoy Kelly from Pixabay

One of the primary factors contributing to the difficulty of making friends as adults is the evolution of our social circles. During childhood and adolescence, we are often surrounded by peers in school or extracurricular activities, providing ample opportunities for social interaction and the formation of friendships. However, as we transition into adulthood, our social circles naturally shrink as we prioritize other responsibilities such as work, family, and personal pursuits. This narrowing of social networks can limit the opportunities for meeting new people and forming meaningful connections.

For many, the demands of adulthood, such as career obligations, family responsibilities, and personal commitments, leave little time and energy for socializing. Unlike in childhood, where free time is abundant and social interactions are woven into the fabric of daily life, adults often have to actively carve out time for social activities amidst their busy schedules. Research shows it takes about 50 hours of contact to form a friendship and closer to 200 to form a close friendship (Hall, 2019). This amount of time and energy can make the prospect of making new friends seem overwhelming, leading many to prioritize existing relationships or forego social opportunities altogether.

As adults, we tend to become more selective about the types of relationships we pursue. Unlike in childhood, where friendships often form based on proximity and shared goals or activities, adults typically seek deeper connections built on common interests, values, and life experiences. Older adults are found to be much more selective, citing priorities such as trust as being influential in who they choose to befriend (Apostolou & Keramari, 2020).

Women find it especially harder to find someone who they deem trustworthy (Apostolou & Keramari, 2020). This increased selectivity can make it harder to find individuals with whom we truly connect on a meaningful level, leading to a sense of isolation or loneliness.

Furthermore, as we age, we may become more set in our ways and less open to new experiences and perspectives. This can manifest as a reluctance to step outside our comfort zones and engage with unfamiliar people or social settings. Additionally, past experiences of rejection or betrayal may lead to heightened levels of caution and guardedness when forming new friendships, further complicating the process. As adults we are more likely to have had negative experiences with friendships, making us more guarded and more self-conscious about reaching out to others without having a shared commonality to bridge the gap.

Despite these challenges, there are strategies that individuals can employ to overcome the hurdles of making friends as adults.

1. Proactively seek out opportunities for social interaction: Whether through joining clubs or organizations, attending community events, or participating in group activities. By putting oneself in social settings where like-minded individuals congregate, the chances of forming meaningful connections are increased.

2. Focus on quality over quantity when it comes to friendships: Instead of trying to amass a large number of acquaintances, prioritize cultivating a few close relationships with individuals who share your interests, values, and goals. Investing time and effort into nurturing these connections can lead to a sense of fulfillment and companionship that outweighs the challenges of making friends.

Aging Essential Reads

Does Working Longer Make You Die Earlier?

How to Confront the Existential Challenges of Late Life

3. Be open-minded and receptive to new people and experiences: Embrace opportunities to step outside of your comfort zone, engage in activities that spark your curiosity, and seek out diverse perspectives and viewpoints. Approaching the process of making friends with a sense of curiosity and openness can enrich your social life and expand your horizons in unexpected ways. Some of my greatest friendships have been with people who could be considered very different than I am, whose backgrounds and personalities diverge significantly from my own, but for whom I am grateful that circumstances pushed us together.

As we navigate the complexities of adulthood, let us remember the importance of forging and nurturing relationships that bring joy, support, and companionship into our lives. Reach out to that friend from your past, offer to go to lunch with the new person in the office, and strike up a conversation with those around you. You never know whose life you are brightening by being friendly.