Behind the Mask: When Success and Power Protect Abusers

Source: Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Lyle was in the final months of his contract when he finally felt comfortable enough to disclose the abuse taking place at his workplace, claims that led him to court. His heart was racing as he disclosed years of sexual and psychological abuse to a judge, who took one look at Lyle's 5' 10" frame and said, "You seem like you are able to defend yourself just fine."

Meanwhile, his abuser continued to rise to the top of his career. A successful actor, he was given international recognition through awards and other accolades. Lyle had gone no-contact with him, but occasionally saw a billboard or commercial honoring his accomplishments. This made him feel invalidated and shamed.

"How can I cope with knowing what he did to me, when everyone else thinks he is this amazing, successful person?" he cried in my office. "I feel like people are less likely to believe me now that he is so successful."

Lyle's experience is not unique. Countless individuals who have endured abuse or mistreatment at the hands of others find themselves facing additional pain when their abusers achieve success or recognition. Celebrities and well-known public figures like Kevin Spacey, Puff Daddy, Dan Schneider, and others have been in the media's eye for allegations of abuse, some even being the subject of documentaries addressing these claims.

In an ideal world, there might be a sense of cosmic justice in which those who have caused harm are prevented from enjoying the fruits of their success. However, reality often falls short of this ideal. The universe, if it even has a sense of justice, can seem slow to respond to such injustices, leaving survivors grappling with feelings of frustration, anger, and helplessness. The delay in consequences can compound the trauma inflicted by the initial abuse, deepening the wounds of survivors and perpetuating a sense of injustice.

In my work with survivors of relational trauma, this feeling of invalidation is a common experience as they watch someone who harmed them go on to lead a successful life. And there is some truth to this, as society is often less likely to believe that someone successful and accomplished is as capable of abuse as say, someone with less social influence and power. There's a pervasive misconception that equates success and social influence with moral character, assuming that individuals who are accomplished or esteemed are inherently less likely to engage in abusive behavior. This bias can make it difficult for survivors to have their experiences validated and believed, as others may be inclined to dismiss or downplay their accounts when they conflict with the perceived image of the abuser.

Furthermore, individuals in positions of power or social influence often have greater resources and support networks at their disposal, which can further amplify the imbalance of power dynamics in abusive relationships. Few are equipped, financially or mentally, to go against someone who holds so much money and power at their fingertips. This disparity can make it even harder for survivors to speak out or seek justice, as they may fear retaliation or lack the resources to navigate legal or social systems effectively.

The feeling of invalidation experienced by survivors is rooted in systemic biases that prioritize the protection of perpetrators over the validation and support of survivors. These biases are deeply ingrained in our legal, social, and cultural systems, perpetuating victim-blaming and disbelief that further marginalizes survivors and protects abusers. It is much harder to come forward about your experiences, much less to be believed, when your abuser is surrounded by so many who support their success. Such supporters can act as abusers by proxy, denying your experiences and pushing your silence. They do the work of the abuser without the abuser needing to lift a finger.

What can we do?

Addressing these systemic issues requires a fundamental shift in attitudes and policies to prioritize the voices and experiences of survivors, challenge societal norms that often give the benefit of the doubt to the abuser, and educate communities about the dynamics of abuse. All of these can help hold perpetrators accountable for their actions,

Despite the lack of immediate retribution, it's essential for survivors to find support, validation, and healing in their journey toward reclaiming their sense of self-worth and resilience. This often looks like finding ways to validate your own story and reinforce your own truth. Support groups, both online and in person, can be helpful. Therapy, coaching, or spiritual guidance can be supportive for those who benefit from one-on-one attention and validation. Lastly, taking time in solitude to journal, read, mediate, or work on self-growth in other ways can help with the healing process. While the universe may not always deliver swift justice, finding support and validation in yourself is the best way to heal.

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To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory. To contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline, call 800.656.HOPE (4673).