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Key points
- Parental abandonment is often misunderstood due to the shame associated with it, as well as lack of awareness.
- The stigma surrounding parental abandonment makes it difficult for individuals to openly discuss experiences.
- Developing awareness and working on self-compassion to decrease shame and self-blame can help.
Brian, a 40-year-old man, sought therapy after years of struggling with feelings of emptiness and confusion in his personal relationships. Growing up, Brian had always believed that his father's absence was just a normal part of life. His father left the family when Brian was only 15 years old, and while his mother did her best to provide for him and his siblings, Brian never fully grasped the impact of his father's absence on his emotional well-being.
"He's a jerk anyway, why does it matter? I don't even think about him," Brian said, his anger masking his pain. Still, despite his obvious denial, he struggled with low self-worth, inner shame, and feelings of (justified) anger and resentment.
As a teenager, anger took the place of pain. This is common for males, who are socialized to express anger over other "weaker" feelings such as sadness or depression, although it can happen to any gender. His anger manifested as bullying behavior at school, along with self-medicating—both things that led him to my office after getting in trouble with the school administrator.
It took years for Brian to understand that what happened to him was abandonment—that his father's absence had left him feeling rejected, unloved, and unworthy. And it took even longer for him to make the connection between this experience and his resulting behaviors.
Parental abandonment can be misunderstood for many reasons, stemming from societal attitudes, cultural norms, and individual perspectives. It is often this lack of understanding that keeps survivors in denial, unable to make the connection between what happened to them and their feelings of inadequacy and shame. In my practice and in my personal experience, I find that there are several key factors contributing to this misunderstanding:
1. Blame and Stigma: There is a tendency in society to assign blame to a child for the parent's leaving. "They were hard to handle" and similar statements are often used to cast blame on the child for having been left. This is common for survivors whose families dismiss their experiences, either through denial or victim blaming. Because Brian was a teen, his dad was often given the benefit of the doubt by friends and neighbors who wondered out loud if he left because Brian was "hard to handle." This contributed to the shame Brian already felt, increasing his feelings of self-blame.
2. Complex Circumstances: In many cases of parental abandonment, the reasons behind the parent's departure are complex and multifaceted, with many factors such as mental health issues, addiction, financial instability, or relationship conflicts. These factors frequently serve as "justifications," leading others to dismiss or rationalize the decisions of parents who leave due to their struggles.
Similarly, I find that it can sometimes be difficult for survivors to come to terms with being abandoned by a parent who struggled with mental illness or substance use, for example, because they tend to want to give empathy to their difficult circumstances. When this happens, I work with clients to recognize that more than one thing can be true at the same time: The parent had a rough life and was dealing with difficult circumstances, and they ended up abandoning them—even if this was never their intention.
3. Lack of Awareness: Some people may not fully grasp the impact of parental abandonment on a child's emotional and psychological well-being. They may underestimate the lasting effects of parental absence, instead feeling like the person should just "get over it." In reality, these experiences contribute to many negative feelings for the survivor, including feelings of rejection, abandonment, and low self-worth, as well as challenges in forming healthy relationships in the future. Furthermore, parental abandonment is not always portrayed accurately or sensitively in media, literature, or popular culture. When we think of abandonment, images of small children or even babies come to mind. And while these experiences are also valid, many adolescents or older children are abandoned as well, yet their experiences are often dismissed.
4. Internalized Shame: Children who have experienced parental abandonment may internalize feelings of shame, believing that they were somehow responsible for their parent leaving or unworthy of love and affection. This internalized shame can contribute to a reluctance to discuss their experiences openly, further perpetuating misunderstandings about parental abandonment.
5. Cultural norms: Cultural norms and beliefs about family dynamics can also influence perceptions of parental abandonment. In some cultures, there may be pressure to prioritize familial obligations and maintain family unity, making it difficult for individuals to acknowledge or discuss experiences of abandonment within their own family of origin. This often contributes to shame and self-blame experienced by survivors, who feel unable to share their experiences due to additional shame from their culture.
With the support of his therapist, Brian confronted the pain of his past and learned to reframe his experiences in a way that empowered him to seek healing and cultivate healthier relationships in the present. Through therapy, Brian embarked on a journey of self-discovery and acceptance, reclaiming his sense of worth and rebuilding his life on a foundation of self-love and resilience.
As Brian delved into therapy, he began to explore his childhood experiences more deeply, uncovering buried memories and emotions that he had long suppressed. Through the therapeutic process, Brian gradually came to realize that his father's abandonment had left a profound mark on him, shaping his beliefs about himself and his worthiness of love and connection.
Increasing understanding and empathy for individuals who have experienced parental abandonment requires decreasing stigma and making way for more open dialogue, giving them the space they need to confront and acknowledge their experiences.
If you are struggling to overcome the effects of parental abandonment or other forms of childhood trauma, seek the support of a licensed therapist who understands childhood family trauma.
