Being All There: Cognitive Distraction and Sexual Intimacy

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Back in 1970, Masters and Johnson surmised that sexual problems (lack of arousal, difficulty climaxing, etc.) stemmed from something called ‘‘spectatoring,’’ wherein individuals engage in observation of themselves during their sexual activity with another person.

Of course, if people think, “Gosh, I’ll bet I look great right now,” or “Bazinga! I really know what I’m doing here, " there’s less of a chance that this sort of observing poses a problem. The trouble is, self-monitoring during sexual behavior is often linked to anxiety and thoughts that distract from the erotic experience, which can lead to decreased enjoyment and make the "Big O" ever elusive. Anxiety and distraction beget inhibited arousal, which begets more anxiety about potential sexual failure. What specific forms does cognitive distraction take?

Purdon and Holdaway (2006) identified nine categories of distracting thoughts. Here are four with a few sample thoughts you might have that may be quite relatable (from Lacefield & Negy, 2012):

1. Intrusion. “During sexual activity, I have concerns that someone may see me or catch me in the act,” or “I worry that someone may overhear what I am doing.”
2. Body concerns. “During sexual activity, I worry about how my body looks,” "During sexual activity, I worry that my partner will get turned off by my body,” or “During sexual activity, I prefer to be in a position such that my partner cannot see my body.”
3. Distracting thoughts. Anything that has nothing to do with being there for sexual activity is unhelpful. “During sex, I think about my job or something my boss said at work.”
4. Performance. "Is what I am doing gratifying to my partner, and/or will I be able to come/last long enough/please my partner?" “During sexual activity, I worry that my partner will not have an orgasm,” “I worry about whether my actions are satisfying my partner during sexual activity,” or “I am distracted by thoughts about my sexual performance.”

While women report more distracting thoughts and higher levels of associated anxiety than men, both men, and women are affected by cognitive distraction. Women tend to report more distractions in the body image category, and men report more performance-related distraction. If during intimacy, one is worried about being seen or discovered, doubts what they’re doing is turning on their partner, worries whether they or their partner will climax, and/or thinks about school or work, it becomes a rush hour of thoughts. All that thought traffic would distract just about anyone and ensures one isn’t really there for the intimacy. I have a few recommendations.

1. Setting the scene for intimacy is important. Not everyone is interested in or can manage a quickie standing up when they need to go to work in five minutes. Not everyone can relax and be all there when they have to be at work in 30 minutes. Choosing to be sexually intimate on days when there is plenty of time to talk, touch, and explore can be a real gift to couples. Light some votive candles and play some calming and/or sexy music. Remove distractions by putting phones on silent and excusing furry family members from the room.
2. Take a few tips from mindful meditative practice. I sometimes talk to clients about mindful meditative practice and how many folks think that if they’re not a total blank with zero distracting thoughts during their meditation, they’re somehow “doing it wrong.” The goal is to note distracting thoughts and release them during meditative practice. The same goes for sexual intimacy. Distracting thoughts can pop in for a visit, be noted, and then be released back into the universe. Also, deep breathing exercises can help partners allow their parasympathetic nervous system to take over and permit relaxation and a focus on sensations and sexy thoughts.
3. This can actually be fun. In the best of all worlds, it doesn’t matter who’s closer to the ceiling, if you aren’t a supermodel, or who’s explicitly/visibly aroused at all times to enjoy the experience. A student once candidly shared in a graduate sexuality course the following observation about her sexual activity with her spouse: “We don’t worry about a thing. Sometimes it’s up, and sometimes it’s down, and we just continue going about enjoying each other. We’re there for all of it.” That kind of freedom from anxiety and “being all there for it” is inspiring and a worthwhile goal to work towards.