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Key points
- Embracing the initial chaos and learning from your baby will benefit sleep routines.
- Your well-being is as important as your baby’s needs.
- Trusting your intuition and asking for support will settle your family faster.
For many new parents, the prospect of sleep becomes a far-off fantasy amidst the caregiving duties of tending to a newborn. Societal pressures, self-doubt, and the overwhelming responsibility of parenthood can all contribute to the impression that achieving restorative sleep is an insurmountable challenge. However, there are some things that are still under your control. Try these strategies to navigate this new landscape and prioritize both your baby's needs and your own well-being.
According to Jessica Bonhoeffer, a pediatrician and the mother of our three children, there is a common misconception that babies don't require much sleep. She explains that the normal range for how much sleep babies need ranges considerably, from as little as nine hours to as much as 19 hours per day. Although sleep patterns can be erratic in the beginning, they will settle, and the first six months are crucial to establishing their circadian rhythm.
The challenge for new parents is not so much whether sleep is possible for themselves, but when sleep is possible. Your baby is unlikely to sleep through the night initially, requiring regular feeds and comfort, so you can probably wave goodbye to eight straight hours of shuteye as a parent until a sleep routine is established. However, if you are willing to suspend your own routines and follow your baby’s needs exclusively for those first few months, it will pay dividends down the line. That may mean ignoring the chores from time to time, ordering food, or sleeping when the baby sleeps.
Bonhoeffer emphasizes the importance of getting to know your baby’s unique needs, trusting your intuition, setting healthy boundaries with others, and asking for practical help. Here is how you can help settle yourself and your family into your new lives together:
1. Prioritize Your Baby's Needs
In the hierarchy of care, your baby's needs come first. Ensure they are well-fed, comfortable, and nurtured. A crying baby can easily undermine our confidence as parents, feeding into any self-doubting narratives that we are not enough. However, Bonhoeffer reminds us that babies have limited channels for self-expression and that sometimes, like adults, they just need to cry. Understanding your baby's cues can be challenging initially. Give yourself permission to attune to your baby’s communication. Soon enough, you'll learn to trust your intuition and decipher their signals for hunger, tiredness, and discomfort.
2. Establish Healthy Sleep Routines
While babies' sleep patterns may seem erratic initially, establishing a consistent rhythm can help set the stage for better sleep habits later on. Pay attention to daylight exposure and noise levels during the day, allowing your baby to differentiate between day and night. Avoid placing your baby in a dark room during daytime naps, as exposure to natural light and ambient sounds can help regulate their circadian rhythms. If they fall asleep during feeding, it’s alright to gently wake them and put them to bed while you’re still in the room so that they get used to falling asleep themselves. This helps the baby to develop independence and healthy self-esteem.
Your child’s brain is only capable of responding to a sleep schedule by the age of approximately six months. Until then, it is well worth indirectly influencing your child’s sleeping patterns by establishing regular feeding routines. Aiming for longer and longer reliable intervals between feeds will benefit your own well-being.
3. Make Time for Self-Care
Amidst the demands of parenthood, prioritize your own well-being. Sleep deprivation can take a toll on your physical and emotional health, exacerbating feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Communicate openly with your partner about your needs and share caregiving responsibilities to prevent burnout.
4. Manage Your Expectations
Adjusting to parenthood involves a significant shift in priorities. Forget about maintaining a spotless house or elaborate meal preparations. You’ll just put unnecessary pressure on yourselves, and your baby will respond to the extra stress.
Becoming a new parent involves letting go of your old identity as well as juggling your own self-doubt about your competence in these new roles. To avoid being overwhelmed by all these new experiences and responsibilities, it can help to be present with the little moments of pure joy, like your baby's smiles and quiet cuddles. Fall in love with their sparkling eyes, their soft skin, their innocent essence, and those tiny fingers. Cherish these fleeting moments and increase bonding by giving your baby a massage, taking a bath together, and feeling the sunshine on your skin when you go out walking with your little one in a carrier.
5. Resist Pressure From Others
As a new parent, there will be many demands on your time, not just from your baby, but also from well-meaning relatives and friends who will want to visit. Make sure these visits are planned at a time to suit you. During Covid lockdowns, many new parents reported feeling relieved that they could legitimately refuse visits and cherished this special time to bond as a family. The pressure to conform to societal expectations can weigh heavily on new parents. Friends, family members, and even strangers may offer well-intentioned but unsolicited advice about sleep routines and parenting practices. Remember that while guidance can be helpful, ultimately, you know your baby best. Prioritize your family's needs and trust your natural instincts.
6. Embrace Asking for Help
It's alright to ask for help. Many of our patients at the health clinic who are new parents are shy or reluctant to seek assistance, fearing judgment or feelings of inadequacy. However, demonstrating your limits and acknowledging when you need support is a sign of strength. Babies need care, but not exclusively from their parents. Trusted friends, family, and even neighbors can give you a break. Practical help, such as bringing prepared meals, taking care of your other children or pets, and doing some laundry or shopping, can be invaluable during those first few months. Most people in your circle would be happy to lend a helping hand if given the opportunity. Bring them in—on your terms.
7. Seek Professional Support
If you find yourself feeling depressed, insufficient, or struggling to cope, don't hesitate to seek professional support. Postnatal depression is not uncommon and is often undiagnosed. It will pass, and there is plenty of support available, so reach out if you need to. Pediatricians, lactation consultants, and mental health professionals can offer valuable guidance and resources to support you through this challenging transition.
Overcoming the sleep challenges of new parenthood requires patience, resilience, and a willingness to adapt. Remember, you are not alone on this journey, and it's okay to seek support when needed. By prioritizing your baby's needs, practicing self-care, focusing on the moments of joy, and embracing the support of loved ones, you can navigate those sleepless nights with grace and resilience.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
