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Key points
- Who you were before serious mental illness isn't necessarily better than who you are now.
- The emotional pain of serious mental illness can deepen you in a way that redirects your path.
- You can find meaning and purpose in recovery that makes you proud of who you are.
- You can embrace yourself and your unique journey, even as you are still finding yourself again.
I have been living in recovery from schizophrenia for 12 years. While I haven’t experienced any symptoms for over a decade, I do not feel like I am the same person I was before my mental illness. This has often bothered me; sometimes, it feels like the only way I can become who I am “meant to be” is if I look backward and compare who I am now to who I was before my diagnosis.
I have put so much pressure on myself over the years to become “who I was” again—like that person, the 20-year-old version of myself was better. For a long time, I went on a relentless quest to reclaim that person and simply “forget” the part in the middle, my 14 years of mental illness. However, with time and reflection, I am forming a new outlook on who I am. I have come to realize that the essential elements of my nature and character never left me, even while experiencing psychosis, and what truly makes me who I am is still present today.
Moreover, I’m realizing that I have come out for the better. Surviving schizophrenia and making it to the other side has given me a new and improved identity that I embrace.
Learning Empathy
The pain I’ve experienced in life has not only challenged me to care for myself but has also developed my empathy toward others. I believe that the more you experience in life, the more sensitive you are to others’ experiences—and you can speak to people in a way that truly resonates. I’ve realized that now that I have been through schizophrenia, I’m not afraid to go to painful, dark places with others who need compassion and reassurance that they are not alone. Ultimately, this has been a critical transition in my life: I opened my eyes to others’ suffering instead of my own.
Had I not been through something so painful, feeling other’s pain and truly connecting might feel uncomfortable because I wouldn’t understand it and couldn’t relate. I can identify with the pain, and it means so much to me to be able to be there for others. I think I am a more authentic and compassionate person with others because of the pain I endured, and these experiences have taught me a new level of humility that keeps me grounded.
Finding My Purpose
In the throes of my illness, when I struggled with wanting to give up, I had to find reasons to persist. I had to have a purpose. When you search your heart like this—when your survival depends on it—you learn to filter out the things that truly don’t matter. With this kind of reflection, I realized that my purpose is to love and to receive love from others. Even when I was in the process of healing, I realized that if I acted in love, I couldn’t lose. Acting passionately for the benefit of others is what makes sense to me.
If I hadn’t had schizophrenia and hadn’t been stripped of everything, maybe I would have taken another path—maybe one that was only about self-improvement and traditional measures of success rather than caring for others and forging my own path. I believe that life could have been more superficial if I hadn’t had to dig deep, live in survival mode, and discover what truly matters in life. My pain and suffering have given me a direction and trajectory for how I want my life to matter.
Discovering the Power of Gratitude
One way I survived schizophrenia was by learning what gratitude truly means and how to use this power in daily life. Early on in my illness, I found power in being negative and figured I was the only person in the world who wasn’t “normal.” I thought feeling sorry for myself was loving myself, but I was wrong. With time, I realized that the ultimate way to overcome the challenges of mental illness was to find gratitude in those challenges.
Finding gratitude in everyday life and the little things led to a deeper gratitude for my existence and positivity about my future. I am proud of what I have overcome, thankful for what some might take for granted, and happy to have a life I can authentically call my own.
Ultimately, I am a more grateful, positive person than I was before my illness. I’m more content with my life now and comfortable with who I am than I was when I was 20. Every step I take is something I’m grateful for—and I am content to move forward as the person I am now. I can still be true to myself and know who I am, even if I am no longer completely the person I once was. Nothing that truly matters is lost for good, and in fact, I am better due to my experiences.
“Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you’ve ever been to stand up taller than you ever were.” –Unknown
A version of this blog post was first published on Nami.org.
