7 Stages in the Death of a Relationship

Many couples who show up for couple therapy are at the end of their rope. Problems and resentments have been piling up for years. The partner most distressed has a host of complaints and a heavy dose of fed-up-ness and is either saying, “We have one chance to turn this around,” or “I’m done and want a separation or divorce.” Their partner may or may not know things were not good, but they often feel sidewinded by both their partner's anger and their complaints: Why are you now bringing up Christmas 2015? Why are you talking now about something that happened 20 years ago?

Why now rather than before is a good question. The tipping point doesn’t come suddenly, but usually after years of frustration, strategizing, and biting tongues. Here are the seven stages to eventually reaching that bottom line:

1. You rationalize.

You’re dating. Henry is always running late and is disorganized; Sarah has a hard time following through on what she says she’s going to do; Wilson seems to drink heavily on the weekends and can become volatile. You bring it up and they apologize, and you pass it off as they’re under stress. Or, you say nothing and dismiss it as some miscommunication.

2. You engage in magical thinking.

You move in together; you get married. The problems continue: Henry’s lateness and disorganization are not only aggravating but disrupting; Sara’s not following through makes you feel she is unreliable or doesn’t care; Wilson’s drinking is causing you to walk on eggshells. Here’s where you lock into magical thinking tied to childhood: If I only do it right and learn the right combination of dance steps—not hound Henry about his lateness and habits, be more clear and patient with Sara, help reduce Wilson’s stress or leave him alone when he's had a hard day—they’ll change, and stop doing what they’re doing.

3. You shift focus.

This doesn’t work, so you move to Plan B: Rather than focusing on changing them, you decide to focus on those other parts of your life you can control—the kids and your work. You’re both less connected, feel like roommates at times, or worse, essentially stop being a couple and become mom and dad. Often, this coincides with the infamous seven-year-itch.

4. You’ve changed.

Time passes. Looking back, you realize how different you are now from where you were when you both started. You’re restless; you’re tired of compromising, feeling lonely, and not getting what you need now. Your larger life is changing—the kids are older and more independent or have left home. You’re aware that time is running out.

5. The relationship needs to change.

The relationship is on the ropes, is dying. You both are going on autopilot; whatever held you together is no longer working. You’ve reached your emotional bottom line. You fantasize about another partner, another life. You’re unsure if it could change with counseling or if you want to try. Building resentment and the stack of problems swept under the rug have taken their toll, though those occasional moments of connection keep you off balance.

6. Conflicts or distance increase.

You’re truly living parallel lives or snipping and snapping at each other, arguing about whose reality is right. You’re feeling more empowered and more aware that you can't keep doing this. Midlife crisis is rearing its head.

7. You issue an ultimatum; you make a move.

You look for an apartment, talk about separation, or last-chance counseling. The seemingly sudden talk of ending shell-shocks the other and scrambles them to do better. You’re pessimistic and exhausted. The solution is no longer patching up but a major overhaul. The old relationship has died.

The moral of the story: Prevention.

What to do to avoid getting to this point?

• Regularly step back and take stock of the relationship. Ask the question: How are we doing really? Are we feeling connected? Do we have common interests and intimacy?
• Regularly step back and take stock of you. What do you need most now? What must change in your everyday life and relationship to feel more empowered, cared for, and happier?
• Tackle the problems that you both have been avoiding. Don’t just complain or argue about whose right or the past, but sit down and come up with a win-win plan to put problems to rest.
• Have the courage to speak up and do all of the above. Stop the rationalization, magical thinking, distraction, and avoidance.

Relationships Essential Reads

3 Ways You May Be Acting Like a Jerk to Your Partner

5 Stages Every Successful Relationship Must Navigate

This long, deteriorating process is common and understandable, but it doesn’t have to turn out this way.

Time to step up? If not now, when?

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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