The Practice of Mourning and Living Life Now

Source: Deborah Cabaniss

One day, on my last vacation, I got an email from work. It zipped past my away message to zing me with a little anxiety on my penultimate day off. There was a situation; they needed an email from me. Sensing the urgency and wanting it off my plate, I wrote quickly and hit send. Within an hour I had a terse reply. My email hadn’t landed well. I re-read my missive. Self-doubt ensued. I should have known better than to write something on vacation. My irritation at having to work while away probably clouded my judgment. I should have waited, I should have run it by someone else, I should have worded it differently, I should have. I should have.

It just so happened that my vacation reading included a book called “The Grieving Brain,” written by cognitive neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor. O’Connor says that people who have lost a loved one often get into what she calls the “would-have-should-have-could-haves.” They say, “I should have told him not to have that last drink.” “I should have insisted that she go to the doctor earlier.” These should-haves keep the griever stuck in a fantasy world in which another outcome is possible. The fact is, the person is gone, and no amount of re-thinking can bring them back. So endlessly reviewing possible scenarios is worse than useless – it actually keeps us from moving forward and accepting the new reality – that is, the one in which the person has died. That acceptance – that learning – is the essence of mourning. The should-haves keep the breaks on in a way that holds us back from moving forward with our lives.

Now, no one died as the result of my email. But I had sent it. And no amount of ruminating over what I should have or could have done would ever bring it back. I hit send; it was gone. In fact, the recipient had already read it and responded. My reality was one in which I’d sent it and whatever I did moving forward had to include that reality. In essence, I had to mourn the Other reality – the one in which I did Not send the email. I stopped being angry with myself and instead was just a little disappointed. I took a breath, relaxed my shoulders and went for a walk. I’d mourned and moved forward. I enjoyed the rest of my trip and dealt with the reaction to the email on my return.

If mourning is moving from a wished-for reality to a reality that is, then we mourn every day. Sometimes we lose things – like being fired from a job – and sometimes we choose things – like turning down that second date. O’Connor says that although our brains naturally think about the alternate reality – the one that didn’t happen – to move forward we have to accept the way things are. Wondering about whether we should have offered to pay on the first date, or whether we should have taken that other job, keeps us tied to the past and holds us back from from living life – the one that is actually happening – to the fullest.

Perhaps we should think about mourning as a daily practice, like exercise or meditation. We can have feelings about what we might have lost or didn’t choose, but we can use those feelings to help us move forward rather than stay stuck. A daily sweeping up of the should-haves allows the energy that might have propelled hours of rumination to be spent creating, living, and loving. We can think of it as everyday mourning – helping us to live life more fully every day.