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Key points
- Positive conflict can help couples resolve issues and feel closer.
- Men can become so scared of their partner's disapproval that they stop trying to work things out.
- In intimate relationships, anger is an indication that the other person doesn’t like the way things are going in the relationship.
Like most guys I would rather face the muzzle of an assault rifle than a pissed off wife.
— Wild Fire by Nelson DeMille
If you think makeup sex is something that only happens in the movies, this post is for you.
It is not uncommon in my work as a psychotherapist to talk to men who have become so conflict-avoidant that placating their wives is the most important thing in the relationship to them. They are so scared of their partner's disapproval that they’ve essentially given up on any efforts to try to work things out or get closer. All they want now is for her to stop being mad at them.
In intimate relationships, anger is simply an indication that the other person doesn’t like the way things are going in the relationship and would like things to be better. If your wife says to you, “I’m angry that you forgot we agreed to work on the yard this weekend and you made other plans,” that’s not an attack or a personal criticism that needs to be defended or, worse, retaliated against. She didn’t say that you did anything wrong or that you need to do anything different.
She just said she didn’t like the way things went between you. She’s giving you important information about how she feels about her connection to you, and your job is just to listen.
Of course, in the real world, anger is rarely delivered quite so cleanly. The message you get may sound more like “I’m angry at you for making other plans, and you always do that because I’m not as important to you as your friends!” In this case, your job is still to listen, although you may have to listen a little harder between the lines to get to the important information. Good conflict helps people resolve issues and feel closer.
That’s why people get excited about makeup sex; couples often feel much closer after a good argument, and there’s an excitement that comes from having cleared the air that can energize the couple sexually.
Not All Conflict Is Helpful
Conflict can also be abusive, which calls for an entirely different set of responses. Abuse is not about trying to get closer to another person; abuse is speaking without regard for the impact of your words on another person or, in the extreme, even intentionally trying to hurt another person. The appropriate response to abuse is to set firm limits and, if that doesn’t work, to leave.
Women often get angry when they want more closeness and connection with their partners. Since men are socialized to feel responsible for any unhappiness in their partners, they often hear their partner’s request for more intimacy as a complaint or even an indictment that they have done something wrong or are lacking in some important way. They react to what they hear as criticism by being defensive, frustrating their partners even further by creating more rather than less distance. And off they go.
Here are three tips to help you have the kind of positive conflict that can help couples resolve conflict and feel closer:
1. Be Intentional About Your Arguments
Arguments should be a way of working things out so that you can get closer. Think about the ways in which you want to feel closer to your partner and keep that in the front of your mind during the argument.
Pick a time and place where you can both be at your best.
This is tricky stuff; there is no need to make it harder by arguing when you are both tired or will be interrupted. Pick a time and a place to talk where you can concentrate on each other and won’t be interrupted. I always forget that I have to say this to people, but turn off the television and your cell phones!
2. Avoid Harsh Startups
Noted couples researcher John Gottman found that when arguments don’t start well, they are likely to go badly. If the argument gets off to a harsh start and looks like it’s going south quickly, don’t be afraid to put it on pause and come back to it another time.
Talk about yourself and what you are feeling rather than making attributions about your partner.
Everyone is defensive about someone trying to criticize or correct them; it’s just not going to go well. If you don’t like the way your partner is behaving, talk about how that behavior impacts you rather than telling her why her behavior is wrong.
3. Speak Responsibly
Think about the impact of your words before you speak them. Take responsibility for the impact of your words, even if the impact of your words was different from what you intended. In Jewish ethics, harmful speech is a greater sin than theft because if you steal from someone you can make reparations, but you cannot undo the harm caused by speech.
My hope is that using some of these tips will not only help you not dread arguing with your partner but also help you to feel more confident that facing conflict head-on will help the two of you feel closer.
This post is excerpted from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships (Lasting Impact Press, 2021).
