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Key points
- Married men tend to be healthier, happier, and wealthier than single men.
- The irony of men feeling trapped by the institution of the marriage is that men created that institution.
- Commitment is what makes it possible to deepen relationships.
The preacher asked her
And she said I do
The preacher asked me
And she said yes he does too
And the preacher said
I pronounce you 99 to life
Son, she’s no lady she’s your wife
—Lyle Lovett, “She’s No Lady”
Marriage is an institution
A friend of mine went to talk to his father about marrying his long-term girlfriend. His father told him, “Son, marriage is an institution. If you want to spend the rest of your life in an institution, go ahead.” True story. You can’t make this stuff up. Our culture is replete with jokes about women trying to trap men into marriage, and men trying to avoid it as long as they can. It's as if marriage were an institution that serves women at the expense of men. The jokes generally equate marriage with a loss of masculinity. One woman wrote about being seen as her partner's ball and chain:
For a blissful moment, I’d forgotten the character that I played in the grand narrative of our romance. As a female partner of a man, I was the ball and chain. The nag, the brandisher of rolling pins in stern defiance of the pleasures of men. I was the obstacle that stood in the way of my boyfriend and the wonderful life that awaited him beyond the prison of my restrictive love.
Married men tend to be healthier, happier, and wealthier than single men
The irony is that marriage is an institution that was created by men, that by any measure benefits primarily men. Married men are generally healthier, happier, and live longer than single men. Single women are healthier and live longer than married women. It is true that women initiate two-thirds of heterosexual marriages, but they also initiate two-thirds of the divorces. The only way marriage may serve women more than men is financial; men generally do much better financially after a divorce than women, which is one of the major reasons women give for staying in a bad marriage, which sounds more like men keeping women trapped in marriage than the other way around (Campbell, 1981; Coombs, 1991).
Commitment helps deepen intimacy
Psychologically, the purpose of marriage is for a couple to declare their commitment to each other in the presence of their community. Commitment is what makes it possible to deepen relationships, and it takes a village to help any couple through the stresses of a truly intimate relationship. Freud thought the choice of mate is repetition compulsion, unconsciously picking a partner who is like your opposite-sex parent.
Jung agreed but thought we pick the person who allows us to work on our unfinished issues with a parent. There often comes a time in marriage when you realize you have married a woman who drives you crazy in exactly the same ways your mother did. Marriage, and the community who witnessed and support that commitment, help you to hang in there long enough to create a different outcome. The commitment of marriage is one of the most powerful ways to help you be more fully yourself.
This article also appears on Thegoodmenproject and was excerpted, in part, from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships.
References
Campbell, A. (1981). The Sense of Well-Being in America: Recent Patterns and Trends. New York: McGraw Hill.
Coombs, R. H. (1991). Marital status and personal well-being: A literature review. Family relations, 40(1), 97-102
