Why Resisting Our Feelings Makes Us Feel Worse

Source: Photo by Evie Shaffer / Pexels

I want you to try something. Take some small nearby object; let’s say a pen, and I want you to hold it in your hand as if it’s been superglued there.

Now for the rest of the time you are reading this post, I want you to focus on trying to get rid of that pen. But, you can’t drop it, or put it down because remember it’s stuck there with our imaginary glue.

While you’re doing that let’s talk about resistance. When we resist something like a difficult situation, feeling, or emotion, we are exerting energy and force to try to get it to “go away.”

Resistance Is an Expected Reaction

This is a natural response, and no one can blame you. Difficult emotions are just that, difficult. Discomfort and pain, whether physical or psychological, however, are a normal part of life.

Life tends to hand us these things on a rotating schedule. Some days, weeks, or months are better than others for sure but struggle is part of the human condition.

When this happens we have a choice. We can fear it and run (avoidance) or we can face it and realize we are more capable than we thought (acceptance).

Resistance Has a Cost

The cost of avoidance is high. The more we avoid, the smaller our zone of tolerance gets. We may start with a house-sized zone of tolerance where only the slightest things trigger our discomfort and doubt, but the more we allow ourselves to avoid things that are uncomfortable or distressing, the smaller our zone gets.

Soon, we’re squeezed into a shoebox-sized zone of tolerance and nearly everything sets off our “I can’t do this” alarm bells.

• Resistance and avoidance = shrinkage
• Recognition of ability and acceptance = expansion

The Cost of Acceptance (And the Benefit)

That’s not to say there is zero cost to the acceptance option. This is still very hard. The cost here is discomfort, unease, and uncertainty. We step into the unknown of our abilities, and the unknown of outcomes.

What if I fail? What if people don’t like me? What if I can’t do it? These questions make up the curtain that we must walk through to enter into the land of acceptance but once you make it through to the other side, if you can tolerate the distress, then you will see that your abilities exceeded your expectations, and expansion of your zone follows.

Now how’s that pen doing? Did you will it away? I’m guessing not. But I bet you were distracted at least a little bit and focusing on this post was a bit harder because your mind was working on a different problem (the pen).

Now I want you to put that pen in your shirt pocket, pants pocket, or purse for the rest of the day.

Tonight, when you’re getting ready for bed, note the difference in thoughts between the three minutes you spent trying to will the pen away while you read a post, and the entire day’s worth of activities you were able to complete while most likely forgetting the pen even existed because you just let it exist. It was still on you. You still carried it.

But your thoughts about it, and your relationship to the pen changed, and your experience will have as well.