The Art of an Apology

"Sorry"

Source: Chris Titze Imaging / Adobe

We all mess up. We say the wrong thing. We do something wrong, and we hurt the ones we love.

When this happens, we know that to restore a relationship, we apologize. But has it happened to you where the person is still upset despite apologizing and saying I'm sorry? Or maybe you've been hurt on the other end but felt that the person who hurt you doesn't really "get it." Sure, they said they were sorry, but you don't feel their words carry any weight? Why is this?

What We're Taught

From a young age, we are taught to apologize when we hurt someone. Just yesterday, I was leaving the courtyard of a café after finishing lunch, and I passed two young moms with their toddler girls.

As toddlers do, a spat appears, and one little one hits the other. The offending child's parent scooped her up and walked her around a bit to give them time to cool down, and when they returned, the mom attempted to facilitate a reconciliation.

"Okay, sweetie, let's play nice." In typical toddler fashion, the child chose violence instead and threw something at the other little girl. Mom's reply was incredibly natural, with a light verbal reprimand of "That's not nice. Now say you're sorry."

Here we have where it all begins. We learn from our parents that we apologize and move on when we do something hurtful. But this nice little routine can be missed so much.

The words "I'm sorry" are a formality. It is a necessary part of a reconciliation process but the smallest part. When examining a relationship fracture and the necessary repair, much more goes into it.

Why the Hurt Hurts

So what happens when a hurt has occurred?

Things go well when two friends or lovers have a certain level of trust and security. Their interactions continue to breed, add to, multiply the trust, and strengthen the bond. Relational security is the aim.

It's a secret, unspoken pact that whispers in the silence: "I am safe with you. I do not believe you will reject me, and my vulnerabilities and my self can be exposed here and taken care of."

And yet, in our humanness, even if we do not intend to, we all at some point hurt (and have been hurt by) those we feel safest with. When that happens, we may say, "My feelings were hurt," but really, we are saying, "My sense of security with you was rocked, and what we had seems threatened." And that is why a cursory "I'm sorry" often doesn't cut it.

If we understood that our actions didn't just "offend" our friend/partner but struck at their sense of security in the relationship, then our response can and should be much more intentional.

Seeing Things Differently

If we see our partner as someone whose vulnerabilities are exposed in this new light, we can respond more robustly.

First, it is helpful to take the time to understand how they were hurt and why. Some people are better at expressing their feelings than others, but if you are the one to apologize, it is worth the effort to be curious and ask questions as to how they are feeling and how your actions made them feel.

Second, resist the urge to defend and rationalize why you did what you did. Defending is the most natural reaction when we feel attacked. When we hear from our loved ones that something we did hurt them, it will feel like an attack. But in that moment, they need to know that you hear and understand them without invalidating what their experience was like (which defense can often sound like).

Third, reflect on what you hear them say, and (as long as you are sorry) let them know that you regret the hurt your actions caused. You value the relationship and the security it brings you both, and you don't want that jeopardized for either of you.

Again, we are talking about security and vulnerability. These two things live way deep under the surface of our usual understanding of how relationships work but are present nonetheless.

Suppose you're struggling with a partner or friend you've hurt or been hurt by and haven't tried seeing things from this perspective. In that case, I challenge you to re-think the situation in this new light, grow your relationship literacy, and hopefully create stronger relationships.