Making a Plan for Your Child's Summer: Some Do's to Follow

Try as she might, Margie could not come up with an idea for a summer plan that was acceptable to her 8-year-old son Jamie. She was on the verge of either begging him to just choose something (anything!), or of giving in to her husband and paying some extravagant sum of money to go to the sporty day camp he remembered fondly. Jamie’s father Marty saw it differently. He felt very clear in his own mind the value of his old camp and didn't understand why Margie kept saying that Jamie wasn't a sporty kid. Of course he wasn't. But that was what camp was for—to expand his athletic repertoire. That's how he had experienced it back when he was Jamie’s age. Why did Margie keep saying how Jamie should be free to discover and create or choose for himself activities he could appreciate? Marty just thought Jamie would be bored not being in an organized activity with other kids. He needed a push.

The push and pull between two alternatives, free time or structured activity, is beautifully illustrated by the opposing viewpoints of Margie and Marty. Both parents had important points to make. As Margie saw it, there was a significant benefit in providing the opportunity for Jamie to explore the interests that appealed to him and letting those interests draw him to one choice or another. She also understood and appreciated that what Jamie did was less important than his pursuing his own choices and learning from the opportunity to see for himself where those choices lead. Marty's idea of a sports camp, on the other hand, would provide encouragement to Jamie to develop his athletic skills along with the social and emotional growth opportunities inherent in team activities.

Clearly both ideas and underlying concerns are important as parents consider what to include in making summer plans for children. Whenever possible it is best to find activities, perhaps in different venues, that provide for growth. When thinking about growth, consider different competencies that are important—physically, emotionally, socially as well as growth in your child's sense of himself and his self-esteem.

Consider age as a parameter in your decision-making. With younger children, you can trend toward letting them do what they would like, even if it simply involves play. Interspersing different social activities like playdates or swim classes allows your developing child to experience themself in different ways. As children get older, they will express their own preferences. It is important to respect this whenever possible. The structure that organized activities provide, including the expectation of participation, can become more and more desirable in helping your child develop and mature. Following directions and rules, working with others, being fair, sharing, helping others, being patient can all come in to play. It is most beneficial when a plan meets with approval from your child and they can buy into the arrangements you make on their behalf. However, it is a parent's prerogative to decide the child's best interest and sometimes this best interest can be more important than a child's preference.

As with other considerations you make for your child's benefit, it is important that you tune into your own experiences for any bias you have that could interfere with your judgement. It is useful to consider all of this with your partner or a close friend since it is not always self-evident. The clearer you are about your own feelings, the more effective you will be in tuning into your child and recognizing where your child’s needs and feelings might deviate from those you had at that age. This can also free you from simply repeating what you experienced as a child many years ago, rather than identifying what is best for your own child now.

Margie was especially clear on one point. It was very important to make sure Jamie was part of the decision-making process. She remembered all too vividly being forced into activities that she had no interest in and being denied the opportunity to pursue those that called to her. Simply put, when a child can own a choice, they often appreciate the activity more. Learning from the process of weighing choices and making decisions on your own is a great source of confidence and a step towards independence.

Hand in hand with letting your child take the lead is guiding them through this process. Asking questions is a good way. What are they interested in doing? What are their friends doing? In preparation for these conversations, you might ask other parents or your child's teachers for ideas. That way, you can also have suggestions ready. If your child seems resistant to an idea, it is best to try to help him figure out why by asking questions. What part of a particular activity does he not like, what is it that bothers him? Does he have any friends who are participating? Is it too rough? Are there too many kids? Is there something scary about it? Has he heard anything about it? It is useful to find an activity that is of interest to your child, but one which will stress growth in an area your child would benefit from.

Equally as important as a child having constructive activities is family time. Try to balance the plan for your child. A blend of individual and social activities is optimal. As always, this should be keyed to your evolving sense of who your child is, both in their interests and in their capability for regulating themselves in different settings and situations. Offering them opportunities and including them in the decision-making can lead to many wonderful experiences between parent and child. It is itself an activity of listening and sharing, understanding and respecting on both sides.

Ultimately Margie and Marty came to a good plan that Jamie bought into. The first two weeks after school ended would be his free choice. He could play on his own, swim, enjoy playdates with friends in the backyard, go to the local playground in the park and the choice was up to him. Then, in two-week intervals, he would attend the town-sponsored day camps focused on tennis, art, and computer programming. Next, they would have their annual family reunion where they always played badminton and cornhole, followed by family time. For all of them, thinking and talking through different ideas, led to a mutually appreciated plan. Margie, Marty, and Jamie all looked forward to what they were going to be able to do with their summer in excited anticipation.