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Key points
- Children may perceive differences as frightening or disturbing and need help sorting out these feelings.
- Talking with your child and asking gentle questions can help them understand what they are experiencing.
- Work with your child's teacher to create a plan to address the unkind treatment of a child in the classroom.
When Julian came home from school, his mother, Susan, could tell he was upset. His usual seven-year-old energy and exuberance were masked by what seemed like a gloomy sadness. As the afternoon wore on, his mood did not change despite a game of Monopoly with his big sister, his favorite mac and cheese dinner, and not having to take a bath.
In typical Julian fashion, he opened up just as Susan was putting him to sleep.
"Mom, the boys are teasing Anwar again. He’s my friend, and he never ever does anything mean to anyone. It’s not fair. No one wants to play with him but me, and they always leave him out. It’s so mean. I can tell he’s sad about it, but I don’t want the boys to do that to me, so I don't know what to do, and then I feel sad, too. And mad.”
It is inevitable that, at some point, your child will come to you with emotional distress he is experiencing about social situations in which he either feels hurt himself or about how a friend is being treated. Or you may be informed that your child is causing another child hurt feelings by teasing them for being different.
By age 4, children learn to share, take turns, and feel for others. They begin to recognize when someone acts in a hurtful way, or things seem unfair. They may recognize when someone is not like them in a way that makes them uneasy. They may express their discomfort in ways that are hurtful.
Or they may become upset and wish that other kids would be nicer or go away. They may be confused about what to do about their feelings. And they may sense the underlying fairness or cruelty in behaviors that adults consider prejudice or discrimination. Sometimes, they are angered or frightened by it. They may fear becoming a target themselves. They may think they should join in or want an adult to step in.
At these times, parents are asked to help their child understand what is happening, what underlies the hurtful or unfair behavior, and how it is wrong to mistreat someone based on something perceived to be different about them. For young children, this can be any number of differences, including an unfamiliar name, a foreign accent, or unusual clothes.
Distinctions in physical appearance or abilities and differences in race, religion, or financial status may be a focus. As children become aware of these differentiations, some react by initiating teasing, some join in and some stay away from the mistreatment, Whichever way, many children need adult help with this.
As you plan your response and how to support your child, it is important that you are honest with yourself on where you stand with issues of prejudice and discrimination, both what you think intellectually and what you feel inside. Have you been a victim? A perpetrator? What about your parents and grandparents?
When did you first understand what discrimination was? Did you grow up in an environment in which prejudice was deemed acceptable or exposed as an offense against others? Do an inventory of your current feelings as well as how you remember your own past experiences. You need to be able to focus on what your child is feeling now, apart from your own experiences, so that you can hear your child.
Think about how you can explain discrimination and prejudice so your child can understand. Have a general explanation available that you are comfortable with since it can be hard for children to grasp the basics of these concepts. However, they may have already experienced the related feelings. Try to use language your child readily understands and examples that may be familiar to him.
In a warm and empathic voice, ask your child plain questions. Susan asked, “What happened with Anwar? Why do you think the other kids were acting that way toward him? Has it happened before?”
Like Susan, you can address your child's ideas and concerns using your kindness as a guide. Ask him what he would want to do or what he thinks held him back. What made him uncomfortable? Again, in a compassionate and nonjudgmental way, talk about how hard it is to know what to do when you're uncomfortable or scared, how hard it is to speak up in front of a crowd, and how hard it can be to stick up for a friend.
Children can be confused by why Farah wears a headscarf, Adam sports a yarmulke, or Marie's lunch differs from their peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. But differences can be recognized without instilling fear. Sometimes, all that's needed is an explanation of the differences. Sometimes, what's needed is an intervention and a lesson in empathy and fairness. By talking with your child, you can determine what remedy makes sense.
Susan responded to Julian by acknowledging his upset: “I am so sorry to hear about this. You’re right. The boys should not treat Anwar that way. I know he is a friend of yours, and he is a nice boy.”
You can explain to your child that sometimes people, including kids, are mean to other people they think are different or are told are different. Sometimes, they are scared of people who seem a little different, making them act mean.
Susan explained to Julian, “Anwar is a boy just like you and the other boys. Except for the color of his skin and where his family is from, Anwar is not different from anyone else, and those characteristics do not mean that he should be teased or left out.”
Susan also understood that sometimes children need more than a parent's explanation and compassion. If a number of children are involved, sometimes children need a teacher's help, too. Julian needed support from his teacher so he didn't have to be afraid that he would become a target if he stood with Anwar.
His classmates all needed to understand that prejudice was hurtful, unfair, and unacceptable. Susan suggested to Julian that she would talk to Mrs. Robinson before school to help everybody understand better that being different does not mean being less good.
Like Julian, your child may benefit from you following up and connecting with your child's teacher. Ask the teacher to look into the situation among the classmates. During these sensitive times, it is best to avoid talking about it with other parents until after you have some leadership and guidance from the school.
You can encourage your child to speak with the teacher, too, but first, alert the teacher yourself that your child may be coming in for some help. Follow up quickly with the teacher and your child at the end of the day so you can develop a plan. The sooner this can be attended to, the more straightforward it is for children to understand how wrong it is to treat someone hurtfully based on differences.
From our experience working with schools and parents, we know that children can experience and communicate prejudice from an early age. They can realize differences among people, and when those differences are feared or negatively perceived and communicated, discrimination and insensitivity grow.
This can have a long-lasting negative influence on your child's character development and is a justified parental concern, whether your child is a victim, a witness, or an instigator of someone else's hurt feelings. A child will be unlikely to overcome this experience without help. Partnering directly with your child's school to address these issues as early as possible is very important.
