Let's Talk About the Tiger Mom

The Asian Tiger Mom, first brought to life by Amy Chua's 2011 book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, is now part of the cultural lexicon. Even though many of us wince and roll our eyes when we hear the phrase, its image remains firmly associated with Asian American culture.

I thought this would be a good time to get a Tiger Mom update. What are the pros and cons of being one? And what, if any, are her alternatives within the Asian American community.?

Although the Tiger Dad is an equally powerful force, in this women's space, I will focus on the Tiger Mom for now.

Who is a Tiger Mom?

Behind the Tiger Mom archetype is the Asian community's deep belief that the values of hard work and education are non-negotiables to be handed down to our children. A successful outcome of this value system is success itself, ideally rising to the higher rungs of the achievement ladder. The basis for these beliefs has deep roots, going back to Confucian principles of education and self-discipline as key tools to advance society. But the necessity of these beliefs has also been reinforced by the history of war, violence, poverty, and traumatic displacement endured by people in almost every single Asian country within the last one to two generations.

The Tiger Mom may spring not only from the dreams of success but also from the soil of survival.

Psychological pros and cons

The pros are, in a way, self-evident. Starting from the youngest age possible, Tiger Mom begins to imbue her child with these ideas. If all goes as planned, her child internalizes the work ethic, discipline to overcome difficult challenges, sense of filial responsibility, and drive to push towards hard goals. They bring pride to themselves and their family, not to mention financial security, which acts as a hedge against unpredictable disasters. The child's achievements also convey a sense of prestige, which further fans out to their family and the wider community. They have achieved a strong foothold on the American ladder. Their hard work is paying off.

The cons are more subtle and, I would suggest, possibly endemic to the current first and later-generation offspring. The main challenge is that there has been an almost non-stop emphasis on achievement, first at home but then quickly reinforced by Western capitalist society at large. The overarching message can begin to read as if we are the sum total of our achievements and outputs, that these are the measures of a man or woman. The problem is that there is no way to evaluate ourselves outside of what we do. Since "evaluate" contains "value," there becomes, then, no way to value ourselves outside of what we do.

One question that captures this conundrum is, "Are we human doings or human beings?"

We need to consider whether the pressure to achieve inadvertently plays a role in the rising tide of anxiety and depression that is sweeping our young people. Our college counseling systems are besieged by calls just to get on waitlists, and suicide is the number-one cause of death for Asian American youth ages 15-24. The internalized drive to achieve and succeed may be going beyond the psychological speed limit for some of our children. And us.

Tiger Mom alternatives

I am not suggesting that we abandon all effort or striving towards goals. I will not be the one to badmouth two millennia' worth of tradition! But there are strategic steps we can take as we help our children walk along the path of achievement. Here are some:

• Words: We can be mindful of the ratio of "doing" to "being" messages that our children receive from us. We, who know how deeply we love them, may take it for granted that this is also a given in their hearts and minds. But it's not necessarily the case. So, in addition to speaking to them about how to study or get organized or apply for college, take equal time to express the words that convey how much you do cherish them, just for being them.
• Actions: In addition to saying it, take time to show it. That means creating time together without agendas, goals, or desired outcomes. Just a space to enjoy the simple miracle of each other's company. This doesn't need to stop once they're not little anymore.
• Dialogue: We can take words further. In addition to speaking love to them, help them create a sturdy internal dialogue they can fall back on, even as they spread their wings and fly. The dialogue can highlight that it's normal to fail at times and then support them when they fail at something. Over two thousand years ago, Confucian tradition espoused a philosophy that corporations today spend billions of dollars trying to implement: Promote those who are worthy and train those who need improvement. Note that when we need improvement, we shouldn't be lambasted for it. Times of failure should be normalized and treated as valuable life lessons that help us grow.
• Emotional validation: This is where I make a strong plug for another barometer of success: the emotional barometer. Each of us has an emotional barometer for a reason: to tell us whether the system is running well or reaching its capacity for sustainable function. It's a key piece of standard equipment that we all come into this world with, no less critical than our ability to know when physical pain requires help. Support your child's emotional state—and your own. If they're unhappy or stressed out, listen to their feelings. Sit with them and see how the situation can be reworked to fit their unique emotional, physical, and intellectual parameters.

And if we're already grown up and struggle with our own internalized Tiger Parent, then the work ahead is similar: to create or expand our own dialogues to be more gentle and forgiving towards ourselves. Help getting there is often the heart of good therapy.

Regardless of how we make the journey, consider the destination: to be a sustainably balanced combination of human doings and human beings. And just maybe a little less Tiger.