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One of the aspects of talk therapy clients I work with appreciate learning about is the idea that they have the power to determine their own happiness. They often come into therapy blaming external forces for making them feel the way they feel, but through the course of our work together they start to appreciate how they have been outsourcing the control of their emotions to other people. Then they learn how to take the power back.
Once upon a time, there was a man who felt alone. He craved relationships, friendship, and social interaction. He wanted his life to be like a beer commercial, full of meeting friends after work, music festivals on the weekends, parties, smiles, and high fives by the pool. Only his life wasn’t anything like this. After a long day at work, all he really wanted to do was go home and watch tv on his couch. On the weekends, he liked to sleep in and go for long hikes by himself. Sometimes, on a Saturday night, if he didn’t have plans, he would scroll through his phone, looking for people to connect with, but this made him feel needy and desperate in the eyes of others. Part of him wanted to be the guy with lots of friends and social gatherings, but another part of himself wanted to stay at home by himself. This conflict resulted in quite of bit of anxiety. He often felt unhappy with his life.
Once upon another time, there was a woman who had a great career. She was smart and driven and worked hard to get to a place where she had a job that paid well, with a great deal of responsibility, and doing this job was fulfilling to her. However, she constantly felt like she was missing out on getting married and starting a family. She went on Bumble dates, was set up by friends, and had several relationships that had the potential to develop into what she wanted, but she always ended up finding a reason why they were doomed to failure. She prioritized work and career over romance and relationships, and even though she enjoyed going to work every day, at the same time she cursed her job since it seemed to be in direct conflict with her ability to dedicate time to a relationship and starting a family. It was in her power to cut back on work and focus on other things, but she truly enjoyed her work and made it a priority over everything else in her life. She felt strongly conflicted about these two opposing drives.
Maybe you know someone like either of these people. Maybe you, yourself are like them, or you might recognize parts of yourself in their stories. This is a common phenomenon many of us experience in our lives. It’s the clash between what we think we should want and what we actually want, and it can be a great source of unhappiness. If left alone, without examination or awareness, we can go our whole lives with this deep-rooted feeling of unhappiness, no matter what happens to us or what plans we make. It’s as if each of us constructs a cage specific to our own fears and desires. They’re the same for all of us in that they prevent us from getting outside of this cage to engage in the experiences that lie beyond that could bring us happiness. They’re also unique in that these cages are built of material taken from our own specific emotional history. Our cages have the same general dimensions, but are built to our own personal specifications.
These cages are something we examine in therapy. Many times, we can observe a defense mechanism at work. Feelings of low self-esteem make us afraid to put ourselves out there to our friends, to reach out and reveal we are lonely, so instead we don’t reach out and pine for social interaction but can’t get past the risk of rejection, and end up alone. We crave a partner and a life defined by family relationships instead of work success, but we fear the commitment, the responsibility, the chance of failure. Maybe our own childhood family experience wasn’t supportive or nurturing enough, so instead of trying to create our own adult family experience, we don’t try for fear of failing. Whatever reason we have for making these delicate, personalized cages, they are a source of unhappiness and worth examination.
How can we escape this cage? Like most things in this book, the first step is being aware of the cage. Many of us in this situation don’t realize we are in cages at all. We reach out through the bars, craving what is beyond our reach without realizing we have the power to escape on our own, that we have the key to unlock the door. The question this brings up is: What do we really want? Do we really want a life full of social interaction and plans with friends? Or do we just feel like we should want that? Do we really want to settle down and start a family? Or do we just feel like we should want this? Maybe we really want these things but are afraid of them, and thus constructed this cage to keep us from having to deal with this. Maybe it’s okay if we enjoy spending time alone and don’t have a large circle of friends. Maybe it’s okay if we love our work and prefer to dedicate our time and energy to that instead of starting a family.
Once we realize we’re living in a cage of our own construction, we need to examine it and discuss it, either in therapy or with our friends or loved ones. What about the possibilities on the outside of the cage scares us? What exists inside the cage that makes us feel comfortable? Perhaps this introspection will result in us embracing our fears and striking out into the world beyond the cage, where we’ll discover happiness beyond the fear.
Or maybe we’ll realize what we think we want isn’t what we really want at all, and our cage will cease to be a place of detention and evolve into a nest where we can live in happiness and satisfaction. Either option sounds pretty good, right? That’s because we’re breaking a pattern. We’re seeing how our lives have slowly evolved into a situation that has become a source of anxiety and unhappiness. We’re thinking about and talking about and considering our conflicting drives and desires, and how we can embrace or shed them in order to live happier lives. No matter how elaborate the cage, ultimately we have the key within ourselves.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
