Is Your Body Language Offensive to Others?

Body language – nonverbal communication – is not a language in the technical sense, and we don’t receive any formal training in it. As a result, we have to learn the dos and don’ts pretty much on our own. However, research on nonverbal communication can help us to avoid body language faux pas. Here are some of the key findings:

• “Get Out of My Space.” We each keep around us a “bubble” of personal space. We sometimes allow friends and relations to come into that space, but we typically keep a healthy distance from strangers. It is important to recognize others’ personal space bubbles (which can be larger or smaller depending on the person) and avoid the offense of invading another’s personal space.
• “The Stares.” Eye contact – even staring at someone – can be quite arousing, but that arousal can be perceived negatively or positively by the person being stared at. It is important to monitor and control where one is looking. While holding someone’s gaze for a second or two longer can suggest that you are interested in them (see cues of seduction here), too much staring can be offensive.
• “My Eyes Are Up Here!” Where one looks during a conversation is also important. The classic body language faux pas is when a man makes “eye-to-breast contact” with a woman. It is important to monitor our looking behavior, making eye contact when appropriate but not holding it too long.
• “Resting [Whatever] Face.” There are vast individual differences in how people’s “neutral” facial expressions appear to others. Some of us have neutral faces that naturally seem to convey positive emotions (a “smiley” face), while others have resting faces that appear negative – a “resting” face that signals anger or disgust. If one is aware of what their resting face looks like to others, they can make an effort to adopt a facial expression of emotion that can counter their baseline resting face.
• “Why So Nervous?” Fidgeting, rubbing one’s hands together, face-touching, and head scratching can all be cues that give off a “nervous” impression. Some of these behaviors are used to self-soothe when we are indeed anxious, but some people simply engage in a lot of nervous-looking cues without being aware of it. Again, the key is to monitor one’s own nonverbal behavior in order to learn to control it.
• “Don’t Touch Me There!” Perhaps the most intrusive body language faux pas is unwanted touching. We typically aren’t “allowed” to touch strangers, and there are specific, unspoken rules for when and how we touch friends, relations, and lovers.

How to avoid offensive nonverbal behaviors

1. Become aware of your typical body language cues. This involves monitoring oneself; you might even want to consider videotaping yourself to get some insight.
2. Focus more on others’ appropriate and inappropriate behavior in order to become better at detecting when body language cues are “out of bounds.”
3. Work on monitoring your nonverbal behavior and practice effective body language.