5 Steps to a Lifelong Relationship

Many of us have had strong relationships, either friends or lovers, that completely disappeared over time—for example, a very close friend whom you saw every day, but realize that you haven’t heard from them in years. When it comes to long-term relationships, regardless of whether it’s a friend or lover, maintaining the relationship is key. How do you do that?

1. Regular communication (“Out of touch, out of mind”). A lot of close relationships seem to disintegrate because of a lack of communication. Communication is critical in any quality relationship, so try to maintain an ongoing connection. You can do this through regular calls, emails, or social media—although nothing beats face-to-face communication. A group of my friends from college (we’ve known each other for decades) try to keep in touch through regular group chats.

2. Rewarding interactions. When you do touch base with your friend, try to make each interaction as positive as possible. Even when there is some conflict or disagreement, try to end the encounter on a positive note. Rewarding, positive interactions will strengthen the desire to maintain the relationship and increase the chances that you will get together again.

3. Focus on the other person. To keep a relationship strong, it is important to give attention to the other individual in order to demonstrate that you appreciate the person and want to know what’s happening in their life. Ask about their family members (and get to know who they are!). Research on social support in relationships suggests that there needs to be a balance of give and take. What that means is that you can’t expect the other person to be there when you need support if you aren’t there for them in roughly equivalent amounts.

4. Maintain positive emotions. Keep things upbeat. Although there will be disagreements and some hard times, balance out those negative feelings with positive affect. Relationship expert John Gottman has found that in long-term love relationships, the ratio of positive to negative interactions should be about 5 to 1.

5. Persistence. Don’t give up on the relationship! Oftentimes, other aspects of our lives (work, family, etc.) take precedence over our friendships, and we neglect to maintain them. Be persistent. My good friend from college tried for years to get all of our original group together for a weekend of fun (that positive affect, again!). It took him several tries, but he never gave up, and we all had the opportunity to strengthen our long-term friendships.

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