Why We Argue and How to Stop

This post reviews the book, Why We Argue and How to Stop, by Jerry Manney. The book is described as a guide to navigating disagreements, managing emotions, and creating healthier relationships by using scientifically validated communication tools.

The Basis and Scope

The scientifically validated communication tools described by Manney derive from a program called Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT). Originally developed by Robert J. Myers, Ph.D., to help family members encourage substance abusers into treatment, the positive communications aspect of CRAFT has been demonstrated to improve the tone of communication in general, not just in cases involving substance abuse.

Although Manney briefly discusses the role of substance abuse in arguments and uses many references to the principles of the Al-Anon 12-Step program, he mainly addresses relationships where arguments occur even when substances do not play a role: the workplace, social media, spouses, intimate partners, ex-spouses, and parents and children.

Why Do We Argue?

Manney explores the reasons people argue, and he begins by listing 19 possible reasons for arguing that he has encountered in over 35 years of counseling practice. He then identifies the core reason for arguing. Arguing is an attempt to change another person's behavior when the other person's goals conflict with your goals. In a previous blog post, I explain how conflict in relationships is inevitable because people's goals are never in complete alignment, and how people use moral arguments to persuade others to put their interests above others. But trying to force people to support your goals while ignoring their own interests is a losing proposition. Such arguments tend to involve emotional outbursts, yelling, and sometimes violence, all of which are destructive to relationships. Because this kind of arguing is not productive, Manney explains how to take a break from heated arguments. Constructive resolution of disagreements can take place only when people are calm, respectful, and oriented to working together toward a solution that is acceptable to everyone.

A Different Way

Manney also alludes to a line from the Rita Mae Brown book, Sudden Death, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." This quote, often repeated in Al-Anon meetings, illustrates a common human foible, our tendency to act out of habit, even when our actions have been totally ineffective. This sets up the remainder of Manney's book, which encourages us to try a wide array of different communication techniques that we probably never considered before. Instead of arguing harder, he suggests that we try a new, different approach.

The list of new communication techniques is so extensive that it may overwhelm the reader. Manney is completely aware of that potential problem, rhetorically asking the reader at one point, "Feeling overwhelmed?" His suggested solution is a variation of the 12-step "one day at a time," which is "one step at a time." He encourages the reader to try one technique at a time to see how well it works. He also encourages the reader to keep a journal to record factors that trigger arguments (certain times of day or the week, particular comments, topics, and actions of others), our old, habitual ways of communicating in arguments, attempts at using new communication techniques, and the consequences of using the new techniques). Positive change is possible, but only when we carefully observe and take notes on our interactions with others.

Seven Guidelines for Positive Communication

Manney also describes the seven principles of positive communication in the CRAFT model. He summarizes these seven principles with one "overriding principle that positive, respectful, non-confrontational communication is more likely to get you the result you want: to have your concerns really heard and considered." After realizing that your old arguing habits have been ineffective, you may be open to trying something different. Briefly, here are the guidelines.

• Be brief. Long-winded rants cause confusion and defensiveness. Focusing briefly on one concern at a time increases the likelihood of a positive outcome.
• Be positive. Respectfully communicating what you would like rather than what you don't like gives them a clearer understanding of your expectations. (But make sure that your expectations are reasonable.)
• Be specific. Generalizations such as always, never, everyone, and no one are rarely true. People are better able to change specific behaviors than vague, generalized patterns.
• Label your emotions. People are better able to understand your feelings when you can label them precisely and accurately.
• Offer an understanding statement. Demonstrating that you understand another person makes them less defensive.
• Accept partial responsibility. Acknowledging your role in a conflict demonstrates that you are not scapegoating the other person and you are willing to change.
• Offer to help. Jumping in to clean, fix, and move objects, among other actions, without being asked is disrespectful. More productive is simply asking, "Is there some way that I can help?"

Other Principles of Positive Communication

While the CRAFT model of positive communication represents the lion's share of Why We Argue and How to Stop, Jerry Manney sprinkles in an additional set of positive communication principles. Most of these principles are accepted wisdom in the counseling profession, although the scientific support for the principles varies. For example, Manney endorses using "I statements" rather than "You statements" because the former are constructively assertive and the latter, are destructively aggressive. Certainly, the tone in conversations is important, but in a previous blog post I question the alleged superiority of "I statements."

Manney also notes that in any interaction we can control only at best our half of the conversation. He encourages a proactive, rather than a reactive, style in which we focus on what we want to say and on saying it in a way that others will hear and respect. This gives us control over our thoughts, feelings, and actions. If we instead only react to perceived criticism, we are on the defensive, we give control of our emotions to the other person. Taking things personally when they’re not caused by you is a cognitive distortion called personalization in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. An excellent way to avoid reactivity is to remember the second of the Four Agreements, "Don't take anything personally." This agreement recognizes that each person perceives the world in a unique way and that when someone criticizes you, this indicates a disturbance in their mind, not necessarily a defect in you.

Relationships Essential Reads

What to Do If Your Worst Breakup Keeps Haunting You

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Understanding that people have different perspectives has a number of positive consequences for communication. One is that we are less likely to engage what cognitive behavioral therapists call polarized thinking, the mistaken notion that people are always either totally good and right or bad and wrong. Another is to avoid what cognitive behavioral therapists call mind-reading, the tendency to assume what people are thinking and feeling. The third of the Four Agreements is "Don't make assumptions." It is best to ask others what they are thinking and feeling.

In his discussion of the fact that people see the world from different perspectives, Manney explains the differences between the way men and women process information, experience the world, and communicate their experiences. He documents just a few examples, and I wish he had provided more. Professor Deborah Tannen has conducted extensive research on gender differences in communication, and a reference to her work would have fit well here. Also, gender differences are generalizations that do not always fit individuals. It would be wrong to assume what someone is thinking because of their gender. Again, it is always better to ask.

Still another excellent idea from Manney is engaging in self-care, which is not a bad kind of selfishness. We can be of no use to others unless we are in good shape ourselves. As the flight attendant says, "Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others." We cannot engage constructively with others when we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired (HALT), or stressed out seriously (SOS). Self-care includes good eating habits, exercise, sleep, relaxation, and enjoyable activities every day. It also requires good time management, recognizing priorities, and taking care of first things first. We also need to stop arguing with ourselves by letting go of negative self-talk, resentment, self-righteous indignation, anger, excessive guilt, and anxiety, while cultivating empathy, gratitude, perspective, and a live-and-let-live attitude. Part of the live-and-let-live attitude is asking ourselves when conflict arises and engaging only when truly necessary, "How important is it?"

A Final Note on Self-Improvement

It is always useful to remember that you are not an all-powerful being who can control everything. Troubles and conflict are part of the human condition. Change is possible if you can cultivate an approach to life that helps you through the difficulties. Practice makes progress (not perfection). Recognize when you need professional help with serious psychological conditions (Manney also addresses common problems such as anxiety, depression, substance abuse, violence, and sexual abuse that require professional intervention; I wish that it had included personality disorders as well). I heartily recommend this book to anyone interested in improving their interpersonal relationships.