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Key points
- Divorced parents may miss the signs that their child is experiencing grief.
- Grief that is not dealt with can become long-lasting trauma.
- Signs of a child’s grief post divorce include numbness, denial, fantasizing, insomnia, and physical symptoms.
- A parent’s presence and connection to their child can help the child weather a separation.
Divorce is experienced by children as a loss, and that loss can lead them to feel grief, but the experience doesn't need to be traumatic. They can work through grief and eventually move past it, while trauma has long-lasting effects. Understanding the difference between grief and trauma may help to decrease the fear many parents have about divorce.
Eleven-year-old Emily feels increasingly isolated as she navigates her parents’ divorce. Her parents are consumed by their own conflict, and her mom, though often physically present, is overwhelmed by her emotions and financial stress. When Emily hears her mother say, “If only I had help paying for all this,” she fears becoming a burden, so she starts to withdraw. She has been spending more time alone in her room and less time engaging in activities she used to enjoy. Her grades have been slipping. She used to have a voracious appetite, but now she takes little joy in food.
When her mom asks how she is, Emily responds with “I’m fine.” Her mom takes that at face value.
Her dad complains Emily is always yelling at him, saying she hates him. He says, “Fine, be that way, go live with your mom!” Then he mutters loud enough for Emily to hear, “I didn’t ask for this divorce.”
Like Emily’s parents, many divorcing parents fail to spot the grief their kid is going through. They miss the real emotion masked by “I’m fine” or mistake sullen or angry behavior as disobedience or problematic.
It is important to recognize signs of grief so you can support your child and prevent grief from developing into long-lasting trauma.
Spotting Signs of Grief
Grief in response to a divorce is normal and will show up differently, depending on the age of your child and their personality. This is the case even if your divorce was amicable. Keep in mind that a child’s brain is not fully developed until age 25, so they may not have the capacity to find the right words to coherently express or share their feelings, needs, or thoughts.
Kids often express their grief through behaviors or somatically. These signs can be misinterpreted, minimized, or punished. We saw this in the case of Emily’s mom, who focused on her own needs and missed her daughter’s signs of grief. Her dad became triggered by Emily’s yelling, personalizing her outburst instead of seeing it as a normal expression of her anger, pain, or need to be seen. Being able to express feelings in any way the child has access to is a good indication they are moving through their grief process.
Here are some signs to look out for so you don’t miss an opportunity to help your kid process their feelings and ensure that they don’t get stuck in numbness, shame, or guilt.
- Numbness, indifference
- Denial, acting as if nothing has changed
- Fantasizing their parents will get back together
- Insomnia and other sleep issues
- Physical symptoms (stomachaches, headaches, fatigue)
- Acting out or behavioral issues
- Excessive irritability or anger
- Separation anxiety
- Struggling at school (academically, with peers)
- Withdrawing or isolating
- Difficulty concentrating
- Guilt or self-blame
Your Presence and Connection Can Help Your Child
Your presence and connection to your child can help them weather a separation without feeling alone in their grief. Having positive relationships with both parents further supports their healing and ability to truly be resilient. You have the capacity to help your child navigate their grief successfully and to reduce the negative effects of divorce.
Provide your child with connection through your intentional physical and emotional presence. Your child needs a safe haven and to feel seen, supported, heard, and understood, especially during times of distress such as a divorce. This helps them develop confidence, a healthy self-esteem, and the ability to navigate the ups and downs they will experience in life—not just the changes that come with divorce. Connection with a supportive parent can lower anxiety and depression and support healthy brain development.
1. Find your calm: Tend to your own triggers so you can be more present to your child’s grief. Take a breath and remind yourself that emotions are normal and important. Your kid will be able to borrow your calm so they can find their own.
2. Be with your child: It can be tempting to try to fix, change, or punish your child, but instead hold space for them. Being with your child helps them feel safe, knowing you can handle their feelings.
3. Actively listen: Listen both with your ears and your body to your child’s thoughts, feelings, and concerns without interrupting. Validate and empathize with their feelings, both with words and nonverbal expressions (nods, expressive eyes/eyebrows, leaning in). This helps your child feel seen. Reflect what you’re hearing: “I get it, you’re really mad right now. That’s okay.” “I know this doesn’t feel fair. You really didn’t want this to happen.” “It’s okay to feel sad. I’m here with you.”
4. Be curious. Engage with your child through curiosity. Put away your distractions and let your child feel your interest in them. Engaging with their experience helps them feel heard and seen. Ask, “What’s on your mind? How can I help you feel better? Do you want to talk about it? What do you need? How was that for you?”
5. Answer their questions: It’s normal for kids’ questions to pop up randomly. They may wonder why you divorced or if you’re going to get back together. Being as honest and clear as you can while remaining neutral will help your child accept the reality.
6. Use expressive activities: Ask your kid to show you their thoughts and feelings using color or characters, and talk about their experience. Help your child identify where in their body they may be sensing their emotion. This helps your child release and process their grief without having to explain why they feel it.
7. Show affection and physical touch: Comforting touch can help your child’s nervous system regain calm. Not all kids want touch when they’re upset, so make sure this is consensual. Ask, “Can I give you a hug?” instead of saying, “Give me a hug.”
8. Have your child see a therapist: If you believe your child needs extra support, working with a child therapist might be beneficial.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
