Attachment Styles and Our Material Possessions

John Bowly (1958) identified four major "attachment styles" in relation to experiences with primary caregivers. These styles can influence emotional bonds and interpersonal behavior patterns later in life.

Can these descriptions also help us understand our attachments to material possessions?

My journey into understanding material attachment began when I enrolled in an online "decluttering" course. Each week, we are tasked with decluttering a specific room or area. The challenge is not merely to organize, but to let go of material things that no longer serve us. The course's mantra is to "own less and live more" (Joshua Becker), a philosophy that resonates in our age of accumulation.

As I follow the assignments, I notice my internal resistance. I want to justify keeping items based on future regret. For example, as I hold up a worn-out Western blazer, I think, "Should I keep this for a cowboy party that I may attend someday?" Or, "Will I regret giving away this tea cup from a dear friend, even if I never use it?" "Will I be looking for this avocado slicer someday when I have a Mexican party and need to slice 50 avocados?"

Our course instructor would answer these questions by asking whether we are willing to have these things (and others) take up space in our homes and minds. This forecasted regret keeps us from free living. When our spaces are cluttered, our lives feel cluttered and unmanageable.

I do not consider myself a hoarder, but my closets and drawers are overflowing. I have piles that get moved from room to room because they need a proper home. I am slowly working the program and addressing each room systematically.

The Psychology of Attachment and Hoarding

Hoarding disorder is a complex psychological condition characterized by persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, regardless of their actual value (DSM5-TR). This condition often results in accumulating items to the point where living spaces become unusable.

Hoarding can severely affect an individual's quality of life. The emotional burden of clutter can result in social isolation, anxiety, and depression. Hoarders may have cognitive distortions and insecure attachments to possessions based on overestimating future needs and responsibilities, perfectionism, or emotional reliance. Often, hoarders imbue possessions with emotional significance. Items may symbolize important memories, represent aspects of their identity, or serve as reminders of significant people or events. Some hoarders feel a strong sense of responsibility towards their possessions, believing their duty is to care for and preserve them. The thought of discarding these items can evoke intense anxiety, overwhelm, and grief, similar to the loss of a loved one.

Understanding the psychology of attachment in the context of material possessions may help us understand this issue and possible interventions. The four attachment styles, as classified by Bowlby, include "anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure." If our predominant attachment style influences our attitudes and behaviors toward possessions, fundamental questions are worth exploring to help us shift into more secure attachments.

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style experience fears of abandonment and may become overly dependent on others for emotional support. These people may fear letting go of things because they rely on them for a sense of security and stability. Material things may fill emotional voids that arise from their attachment insecurities. Like the "security blanket," material things soothe and protect.

Key questions: What do you fear most about letting a possession go? Is this fear realistic? How is this item bringing false security? How can you feel secure without this item?

Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to distance themselves emotionally from others in order to maintain a sense of independence. They appear dismissive when they experience too much emotion or closeness. They struggle with emotional identification and expression because their emotional needs were not attended to as a child.

These individuals might hoard possessions to avoid relying on people for emotional support. Their possessions may become substitutes for relationships, providing a false sense of control and self-sufficiency. Typical midlife possessions, like cars or collections, can become substitutes for authentic, vulnerable relationships.

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These individuals may also easily discard things, not wanting to attach to anything considered emotional. They may be more compulsive about minimalism.

Either end of the spectrum, collecting or trashing, can be extreme for these individuals.

Key questions: How do I distance myself from others by attaching to material things? Do I detach from nostalgic or emotional things and trash them for fear that they bring up too much emotion? How can I find a balance with possessions?

Disorganized Attachment

Those with a disorganized attachment style experience confusion and instability in relationships due to inconsistent and chaotic caregiving experiences. Their hoarding behaviors may be more extreme, driven by anxiety and intense insecurity. These individuals are more likely to have "disorganized" homes to the extent they feel emotionally dysregulated.

Key questions: How can I feel safe and trusting in my home? What would create stability and predictability in my life? Can I take small steps to establish boundaries and connect to my actual needs regarding my possessions? Can I let go of one unnecessary item each day?

Secure Attachment

Individuals with a secure attachment style typically have a healthy balance between independence and interdependence. They feel comfortable seeking support and are generally more adaptable in their relationships. In the context of possessions, securely attached individuals may be less likely to develop hoarding behaviors. They can regulate their emotional needs without material objects. They can more easily let go of items they no longer use.

Conclusion

Addressing the emotional and cognitive aspects of hoarding, using attachment styles, may help individuals reclaim their living spaces and improve their overall quality of life.

After much contemplation, I decided to part ways with the Western jacket, unused tea cup, avocado peeler, and more. It was a liberating experience. I am securely attached to any positive memory of these items and no longer need them to occupy space in my home.