Chronic Illness and Self-Trust

Source: Katie Willard Virant

Do you trust yourself? It’s a simple question, yet to answer it honestly requires care and thought. What does it mean to trust oneself? And why is it so important?

We cannot function in society, in relationships, and within ourselves without trust. When we drive a car, for example, we operate with the belief that other drivers know and operate by the rules of the road. Trust is central to meaningful interpersonal relationships, including marriages and friendships. Our belief that an important person will keep their promises to us enables us to feel safe with them. Trust is also central to our relationship with ourselves, as trusting oneself to attend to one’s physical and emotional needs provides stability.

Self-Trust and Chronic Illness

The experience of chronic illness can erode self-trust. Think of the ways you trust your body. Healthy people breathe, eat, sleep, and move without much thought. They implicitly trust that their bodies will keep functioning as they always have.

When illness occurs, it’s common to experience an initial reaction of disbelief and shock. “How can it be that my body is not doing what it’s always done?” we wonder. Trust is broken.

Self-trust further breaks down with the difficulty many people have in obtaining diagnoses. Many people with chronic illness present symptoms well before medical testing confirms the disease. They face disbelief from family, friends, and medical professionals.

Even after diagnosis, the invisible nature of many chronic illnesses can cause others to be skeptical of the severity and duration of symptoms. Continual exposure to others’ disbelief in one’s bodily experience can create and feed self-doubt. “Perhaps I am not in as much pain as I say I am.” “Maybe I am a malingerer making more of this than is necessary.”

Self-doubt is different from self-questioning. When we question ourselves, we ask ourselves to take another look at our perceptions. “Is it possible that my symptoms are not as catastrophic as they feel right now?” We check in with ourselves for the information needed to answer that question, and we trust the information gleaned from our check-in.

By contrast, self-doubt—never satisfied—gnaws. Instead of leading to clarity, it perpetuates stuckness and rumination. “I feel sick, but maybe I’m lying to myself.” “Nobody else believes I am this sick, so why should I believe myself?”

Self-doubt erodes self-trust. The narrative underlying self-trust is: “I am a reliable narrator. I can read signals from my body accurately.” Self-doubt attacks that narrative, leaving the individual without an internal compass.

Paradoxically, the integration of chronic illness into one’s sense of self can also strengthen self-trust. Many people living with illness describe how their illness gave them a new perspective on their values. Freshly aware of the ways they were spending their energy on things that were not meaningful to them, they began to trust themselves to change their lifestyle in order to meet their needs.

Building Self-Trust

Trust in a marriage or friendship is built upon care, communication, and clarity. Self-trust, too, is built upon these bedrocks.

Do you care for yourself? If you recognize that you do not trust yourself, reflect on whether you see yourself as worthy of care. Sit quietly and tune in to the ways that you respond to yourself. Are you compassionate? Disgusted? Loving? Impatient? Often, lack of self-trust is a sequela of lack of self-love.

Do you communicate with yourself? How often and how intently do you listen to your inner self? What messages are difficult or painful to hear? What are the ways you inhibit communication with yourself? For example, do you tend to distract yourself? Numb yourself? Dismiss yourself?

Do you have clarity with yourself? Interpersonal relationships are built on expectations, big and small. What expectations do you have for yourself?

For people living with chronic illness, respecting the limitations of illness may be one expectation. “When my body is weak, I will modify my activity level and care for it.” Another illness-related expectation may involve illness management. “I will keep my medical appointments, take my medication, and follow my treatment protocol.” Self-care is another expectation: “I will eat well, get enough sleep and exercise, and reduce stress in order to protect my health.”

Chronic Illness Essential Reads

Cognitive Distortions Experienced in Chronic Illness

Communication and Chronic Illness

What are the promises you make to yourself? Do you keep those promises?

Conclusion

Take some time to think about your relationship with self-trust. How has your chronic illness experience eroded your self-trust? How has it strengthened your self-trust? What are the ways that you care for yourself, communicate with yourself, and have clarity with yourself? What are steps you can take to improve self-trust?