Mental Health and COVID-19

Source: Katie Willard Virant

As quarantine drags on, I find myself living with (at least) two selves. One self is responsible, thoughtful, and goal-driven. She eats three square meals a day, diligently keeps all of her Zoom appointments, and believes that quarantine is a temporary hardship. The other self is low-energy, fretful, and impatient. Her hips and back ache; she sneaks sugary snacks that cause her to crash when the spike of energy recedes; and she fears that the current state of uncertainty will never end. Both selves are real; both selves are valid. And both selves are present during this stressful time.

Painful Self-States

Psychoanalyst Philip Bromberg describes “self-states” as “highly individualized modules of being, each configured by its own organization of cognitions, beliefs, dominant affect and mood, access to memory skills, behaviors, values, actions, and regulatory physiology," (Bromberg, 2011). Self-states are deeper than shifts in emotion. When we experience different self-states, we often feel like entirely different people—the way we hold our bodies, our speech patterns, and our sense of who we are at our center can feel alien. Self-states that hold feelings of brokenness, rage, despair, and helplessness often are hidden—brought to the surface only when a stressor breaks down our usual way of being in the world.

Bromberg notes that painful self-states often are experienced as “not-me” states (Bromberg, 2003). We are frightened and repulsed by them, and we recoil when they make themselves known. When we allow ourselves to acknowledge them at all, we explain them away as foreign invasions of our “real” selves. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” we might say. “I felt possessed. That wasn’t me.” Disowning these self-states keeps us locked in a disconnection that Bromberg describes as being “haunted” by ourselves (Bromberg, 2003).

Acknowledging and Integrating the “Not Me"

Our current circumstances are creating an environment of fear, isolation, and grief. It’s not a surprise, then, that our painful self-states are showing up more intensely than usual. Instead of being haunted by these self-states, it’s important to welcome them and claim them as ours.

As people begin this work of getting to know the “not me,” I ask them to imagine a beloved child in their lives. When this child is stressed, what does she do? She might become whiny and clingy. Perhaps she yells and hits. Maybe she withdraws, curling up tightly in a corner and hiding her face. Ideally, we respond to the child by attempting to understand her, kneeling to look into her eyes and saying gently, “What is wrong? Please tell me." As you attempt to interact with your painful self-states in the compassionate way you would interact with this child, it may feel strange and different. I’ve outlined below the steps of a process you might try.

Make space for the alien feelings. When confronted with a painful self-state, your first impulse may be to run from it. Running takes lots of forms. We might throw ourselves into activity or misuse alcohol, food, or electronics. We may pick a fight or feel inexplicably sleepy. What are the ways in which you run from the painful parts of yourself? When you find yourself reaching for those escape hatches, stop and be still. Slow your breathing; slow your thoughts; and be curious about the discomfort you’re trying to get away from. If you can’t identify it with words, see if you can make space for an image, a memory, a sensation you’re feeling in your body. Just breathe as you quietly allow in whatever comes up.

Treat the painful feelings with curiosity. Let’s imagine that sitting with the discomfort allows you to identify a feeling of tightness in your chest and an image of being trapped. Notice the sensory data. Is the tightness in your chest constant, or does it ebb and flow? Is it hot or cold? Is there a color associated with it? What are the details of your image of being trapped? What do you see, hear, taste, and smell in this image?

Think about the sources of the painful feelings. As you reflect on the experience of feeling the trapped sensation, you may remember that we’re in quarantine. “Of course,” you say. “This self-state is frightened and disregulated by the walls of my home closing in.” Go back further into your history. The current situation may be bringing up other experiences when you felt trapped and helpless. Make those connections.

Take good care of yourself. Acknowledge the emotional work you’re bravely undertaking. Ask yourself what you need to support the work. Are you meeting your basic needs for nourishment, rest, exercise, and connection? Are you speaking kindly and encouragingly as you engage with yourself?

Talk about your experience with a validating person. This is hard work, and you’re not meant to do it alone. Therapists are trained to help you integrate your self-states. If you don’t have access to therapy, please find a friend who can support your process.

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Continuing Dialogue Among Self-States

You’ll notice that the preceding steps involve dialogue between self-states. A balanced, secure self-state is regulating and calming a fearful self-state. As we begin practicing this inner dialogue, we may find it difficult to get the self-states talking. So often, we experience ourselves as either/or: either as mature, wise, and brave or as little, stupid, and fearful. We need to have access to both self-states in order to connect them to each other. When a painful self-state arises, we want it to be able to look to the more regulated self-state for guidance and comfort. Similarly, we want the more regulated self-state to have a continual awareness and acceptance of the painful self-state. As they work together, we feel less haunted and more wholly and fully ourselves.

What self-states are arising for you during this time of global pandemic? How are you letting them in and integrating them as part of your whole self?