The Exclusionary Family: Emotional Neglect at Its Worst

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Brett sits alone at recess, wishing his old friend Paul would ask him to join in on the card game going on among a group of boys in their class. Brett asked to play yesterday, but Paul said the game could only be played with four people. Brett feels embarrassed to be the only one left out as he looks around and sees his other classmates laughing and having fun. He watches the clock, wishing time would speed up.

Being excluded is a pain like no other. At one time or another, we all can relate to what Brett is going through—the longing to be included, and the heartache of being overlooked.

But what if this kind of exclusion happened in your own home? Not from your friends, but from the people who are supposed to love you the most—your parents and siblings.

Children whose feelings are ignored, minimized, or not responded to enough experience childhood emotional neglect. Many cases of childhood emotional neglect happen outside the family’s awareness. In these cases, emotions simply live under the radar in the family home.

There’s a harsher form of childhood emotional neglect in which one child is actively ignored by members of their family, treating this child differently or unfairly. For whatever reason, a parent (or parents) finds something about their child to be unfavorable, and uses their sense of power in an emotionally harmful way. The most common kind of childhood emotional neglect happens without active exclusion. But if you have exclusion in a family, you also always have emotional neglect.

How a Family Becomes Exclusionary

It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around—being a part of a family that actively rejects you and makes you feel like an outsider. Many people ask: How does this happen? How could a parent treat their child this way? Below are some possible reasons why this happens.

• Misguided Preferences: Some parents are naturally drawn to children they have more in common with. While it’s normal for some bonds within families to be closer than others, a parent who overlooks the child for being different can create harm.
• Manipulation: Diminishing another person’s feelings or needs can make someone feel more powerful or important, especially if this person lacks self-esteem. In an exclusionary family, a parent or sibling may create a rejecting atmosphere as a way to make them feel better about themselves.
• The Parent's Personality: A parent, especially one with narcissistic tendencies, may use their love as power. When they are pleased with their child, they shower them with love and affection. When this parent is displeased, they cut off their love, making their child feel alone, unworthy, and perhaps rejected.

The Impact of Exclusion

It may come as no surprise to learn that exclusion has been shown to increase a person’s negative mood (Blackhart, et al., 2009). The exclusion can come in whatever form—through social media, by text message, or face to face (Smith, 2004; Schneider, 2017; Covert & Stefanone, 2018; Hales, 2018). Being excluded increases the likelihood of someone feeling as though they don’t belong, experiencing low self-esteem, and lacking their sense of control (Gerber & Wheeler, 2009).

Research has found that feeling excluded is akin to experiencing physical pain, as the same parts of the brain get activated. When working with folks who have experienced this harsh and active form of childhood emotional neglect, I see firsthand the massive amount of emotional pain this causes.

4 Kinds of Exclusion in an Emotionally Neglectful Family

1. One family member gets left out of family activities, family jokes, or family stories. These jokes or stories may get told over and over again, emphasizing the left-out family member’s sense of exclusion.
2. Planning occurs around certain family members’ feelings, needs, or wishes while ignoring another family member’s feelings, needs, or wishes.
3. One family member gets a lack of acknowledgment or response from others. These actions, communications, or lack thereof are often subtle. It may not be clear from the outside that exclusion is happening, but the excluded one feels it deeply.
4. Talking about a family member without their knowledge and sharing negative remarks or criticisms. These conversations are typically private, and a false sense of connection is fostered between the ones doing the excluding. When this happens, it is a form of gaslighting.

The Excluded Child Turned Adult

The challenges that excluded children go through are poignant and painful. The good news, though, is that you can understand why you have these challenges and take control of them. You no longer need to be weighed down by something that was never your fault.

1. You anticipate exclusion. Being left out has been a constant in your life. So, when there’s an opportunity to be a part of a group, there’s a big part of you that believes you’ll be pushed out.
2. You feel like you don’t belong. You find it difficult to feel a sense of comfort, membership, or community, even if you have groups or friendships you belong to.
3. You believe you are inherently flawed. When a child is excluded in their family home, it’s natural for them to assume that they are the ones who did something wrong. Children can’t see that their parents or siblings may be operating out of personal weaknesses, insecurities, or personality disorders. An excluded child grows up to believe something is wrong with them.

From Exclusion to Acceptance

The one redeeming quality of childhood emotional neglect is this: Your emotional neglect can be healed. Whether you were unknowingly overlooked or actively excluded as a child, you can make healing a part of your future.

Becoming aware of the exclusion that happened, with an understanding of the impact it had on you then and now, can help you reduce unwarranted self-blame. You are not deserving of the treatment you endured. You deserve to feel loved, valued, and included. While you may not have felt this in your childhood home, you can cultivate it now.

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It all starts with you. You have the power to include yourself, especially your feelings that were ignored in your childhood home, in your life today. You can now allow your feelings to show you what you want and need, who you truly are, and how you want to live. Then, as you live closer to your own heart and make choices that are authentic to your true self, it will become clear to you that you deserve to be included. That you belong, and that you always have.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.