The Decision to Connect with Donor-Related Siblings

People who are recipients of donor eggs or donor sperm often ask me if they should reach out to their children’s donor-related siblings, and if so, when. Donor embryo connections tend to be different in many ways, so for this article, let’s focus on families who have used donor eggs or sperm and a few points to consider regarding if and when to connect with donor siblings.

Often, people are curious about donor-related siblings for medical or emotional reasons. Since many sperm and egg banks and agencies create contracts with donors offering them anonymity until the future child becomes eighteen, parents of donor-conceived children often want to respect this informal rule. It is widely known that anonymity is no longer possible or preferable in a world with the internet, direct-to-consumer genetic testing, and published research about the benefits of early disclosure to children. Yet, these “rules” continue to exist, and parents-to-be, not knowing the donors' real wishes, often abide by the age of 18 rule. However, there is no such “rule” for genetically related siblings, and we have found that many donors and genetically related siblings feel comfortable with contact.

Connections with siblings appear to be less complicated than relationships with their donors. Donor-conceived children have reported feeling a wide range of emotions about their donors, from feeling like they are their parents to feeling like they are a close connection who also feels like a stranger. Some have reported having no interest at all. Over time, continued research may uncover more information about these diverse feelings. What we know now is that there are a range of feelings, even within families. Several children in the same family with the same donor may feel very differently.

Kiara Rae Schuh, the author of the book Chosen Family, talked on the Building Your Family podcast about her desire to reach out to donor-related siblings and connect with her donor. She also felt proud of her mother, who raised her, and her brother, as a single mother by choice. Although she is fond of her donor, she felt that calling him “dad” might diminish the status she holds for her single mother who raised her, and the men in her life who stepped in to be positive male figures. Her brother has no interest in connecting with their genetic relatives.

When?

In her book, Random Families, Rosanna Hurtz talks about the different ways people connect with the donor siblings of their children. She created names for the groups she studied to reflect the group’s personality. Hurtz found that these groups were not only different in the ways they connected, but also in their reasons for connecting, the diversity of depth in these relationships, and how many of those relationships changed over time.

In the groups that I have run for donor-conceived children, I have also seen a variety of experiences. However, the majority of attendees are similar to the people who reach out to their donor-related siblings through the Donor Sibling Registry and other means, as they represent the people who desire to connect, and we know that not everyone has that desire. I have met people who wished they had met donor siblings from day one, that their parents introduced them when they were young, and others say that being donor-conceived was something over which they had no control and choosing to connect with genetic relatives should be their decision.

Feelings change over time. This is an essential concept to consider. In Rosanna Hurtz’s book, she shares stories of donor-related siblings whose relationships fluctuated in ways that were different from the siblings they grew up with. Some connections seemed close and then drifted apart over time.

In this book, she cites changes during adolescence and distance as a couple of the elements that can cause relationships to change. We also know that temperament, neurodiversity, culture, religion, and more can affect how we relate to others and how those others relate to us.

As we move forward in our research and understanding of these relationships, we need to make room for differences. When new subjects arise in our zeitgeist, there is a tendency to group people together. In donor conception, this is often the case, and people may feel pushed into “shoulds” too often. Families, just like people are also different. Yes, there are some commonalities, such as many children who are single children like the idea of meeting donor-related siblings, and people who are donor-conceived often like to meet others who are donor-conceived as well.

Children who are donor-conceived today, and often told about their beginnings when they were young, are likely going to have different perspectives than the baby boomers who discovered their genetic heritage late in life or by accident. Like most things in life, we all need to weigh the pros and cons with the available research and consider our unique circumstances and our children’s personalities, desires, and developmental or psychological stages. As more research emerges, we will learn more about these modern family connections. Until then, let’s remember that one of the few things we can be sure of is that we are all unique.