Authentic Self-Esteem, XI: Increasing Real Self-Esteem

Source: Renata Sedmakova/Shutterstock

From the beginning, this blog has aimed at showing the benefits of understanding self-esteem as a relationship between competence and worthiness. One “feels good by doing good,” as I like to say (Mruk, 2019), because believing self-esteem only means feeling good about oneself without doing something to earn it is misleading. After all, narcissists often feel they are great but most of us not would see them as healthy. So do many antisocial personalities, which is even worse. Unfortunately, it is even possible to feel good about oneself with “doing bad” (being petty, harmful, evil, and so on)!

The two-factor approach avoids this problem because authentic self-esteem only comes from trying to do one’s best when facing a challenge of living. This way of understanding self-esteem is far closer to what John Milton (1931/1667) had in mind when he coined the term. He talked about self-esteem in relation to doing that which is “just and right.” In other words, feeling good is not enough. We must do something too, something that merits feeling good about oneself based on the quality of our actions or behavior. As I like to say, real self-esteem is earned -- not given.

Authenticity and Self-Esteem

Authenticity is a way of being yourself that reflects worthwhile human values and behavior that reflects them. They include knowing yourself, being true to yourself, recognizing the importance of others, and acting on those values with honor, integrity, and courage. These are the things that separate the best in us from the worst in us. Trying to be and do our best when facing the challenges of living is what connects authenticity and real self-esteem. However, it is possible to turn away from these responsibilities too. Indeed, such inauthenticity is much more common because it is usually easier to take the easy way out.

However, things can change. Understanding the practical aspects of defining self-esteem as a relationship between the two factors is another advantage of this approach. For example, it offers at least three pathways to increasing authentic self-esteem and, therefore, well-being. The first one is by far the simplest but hardest to take. All of us engage in such things as deceiving ourselves, manipulating others, taking shortcuts, giving in to temptations, and the like. If authentic self-esteem comes from “doing the right thing,” to paraphrase Milton, then it makes sense that just stopping ourselves from doing such unworthy things is the fastest route to healthy self-esteem!

Unfortunately, telling oneself to simply stop or even cut back inauthentic behavior is usually like making New Year’s resolutions. They sound good but often do not happen. The more serious forms of inauthenticity, such as addiction, failing to meet basic responsibilities, or harming others, usually take a lot of work to change. Fortunately, research shows us there are two additional ways to enhance authentic self-esteem.

The Value of Positive Self-Esteem Moments

One of them is to make more use of the four basic sources of self-esteem in everyday life. Two of them involve demonstrating some form of competence. For example trying one’s best to make a personally significant achievement increases authentic self-esteem because it means finding the competence to overcome challenges. Another is to find healthy ways to influence one’s environment so that it is more meaningful or satisfying. Again even small ways of increasing one’s competence as a problem solver helps.

The other possibility is to increase one’s worth as a person, which can also occur in two ways. For example, becoming a part of healthy relationships, groups, and communities are ways to increase one’s sense of worth. So is getting out of toxic relationships or doing volunteer work. Increasing one’s sense of worth by acting more virtuously is another route. Such things as admitting mistakes, making up for errors, doing one’s duty, and standing up for the rights of others, are examples of being a worthy person.

These two pathways are helpful because of the connection between facing life’s challenges in ways that demonstrate one’s competence or worthiness as a person and authentic self-esteem. More information about how to do that effectively is available. However, such detail would take more than a blog to convey. Clinicians may find the 2013 reference below to be helpful with their clients. The one written in 2019 on Feeling Good by Doing Good is for people in general.

In any case, the basic idea is to increase the number of authentic self-esteem moments (as I like to call them) one has in everyday life. Finding even small ways to become more competent or feel more worthy helps. Doing those things more often also has a cumulative effect. Staying with it can even create a positive self-esteem cycle. The key is that knowing about these possibilities and acting on them more often over time enhances well-being as well as authentic self-esteem.