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Key points
- Resentment can become the bedrock of ego-defense, due to its temporary increase of energy and confidence.
- Resentment substitutes temporary feelings of power (from a small dose of adrenaline) for feelings of value.
- It makes us feel entitled to appreciation and respect but not really worthy of them.
- Raising self-value renders resentment an unnecessary ego-defense.
Many of my clients are stuck in justifiable resentment over past injuries, abuse, or unfair treatment. The negativity they inadvertently exude causes problems in all their relationships. No matter how much I validate their hurt, they feel betrayed when I try to get them to overcome the resentment that keeps them stuck in their pain.
Unlike most forms of anger, which are triggered by specific incidents, thoughts, or memories, chronic resentment is a generalized ego defense. No one resents just one thing. Most resentful people drag a long chain of resentment through life. Past injuries, abuse, or maltreatment may have initially forged the chain, but dozens of links have been added to it since. Some of the links on the chain of resentment are forged by profound betrayal. Most are not. (A general guideline for the chronically resentful is: Nothing is too petty to resent.) It doesn’t seem that way to them because picking up a chain by one link carries the weight of the entire chain. That’s why resentful people tend to overreact to relatively minor incidents.
Removing the initial links of the chain (resolving whatever offenses started it) will do little to affect the multitude of links added and strengthened over the years in the service of ego-defense. Because ego-defense seems more important than learning, truth, and reason, resentment greatly distorts thinking — through oversimplification, confirmation bias, inability to grasp other perspectives, and impaired reality-testing. Distorted thinking makes the ego more fragile and more in need of defense. Resentment is thus self-perpetuating. Over time, it becomes a worldview or way of life.
It’s easy for resentment to become the bedrock of ego-defense, due to its low-grade adrenaline, which temporarily increases energy and confidence. We feel animated by the perception that we’re right, which feels better than the self-doubt and low energy that occurs when we feel vulnerable. The problem with the adrenaline effect is that it borrows energy from the future. After a bout of resentment, a crash into some form of depressed mood is inevitable. Worse, adrenaline enhances memory and is, in general, recalled more easily. When you resent your partner, you’ll remember every perceived offense since you started living together. Instead of experiencing negative feelings as temporary states, it seems like you’re reacting to continual unfair or unreliable behavior that will not change.
Characteristics of chronic resentment are:
- External regulation of emotions — other people seem to control your emotional states
- Vulnerable emotions are blamed, denied, or avoided
- Narrow and rigid emotional range, with resentment giving way only to depressed mood
- Victim identity — identification with mistreatment and perceived damage
- Substance abuse (to alter dysphoric mood)
Characteristics of chronic resentment in relationships:
- High emotional reactivity — a negative feeling in one triggers chaos or shut down in the other
- Power struggles — strive to "win" or “be right” rather than reconcile and connect
- Walking on eggshells
- Criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt
How Do You Want to Feel?
You have every right to feel resentful, but hardly anyone really wants to feel that way and experience all the unpleasantness that goes with it.
When we reflect on how we feel, we bring into implicit memory past instances that evoked similar feelings, creating an illusion that it’s always been that way and, by implication, always will be that way. There’s a natural impulse to interpret, explain, and justify the feelings, all of which amplify and magnify them.
When we focus on how we want to feel, the brain loads into implicit memory past instances that evoked similar feelings. The impulse to interpret, explain, and justify produces more benign results. The prefrontal cortex focuses on how to achieve the desired state, rather than justify the undesirable one. While you have an absolute right to your resentment, you have a more compelling right to live a value-filled life free of resentment.
Crowding Out Resentment
We can think of resentment as a habit of substituting temporary feelings of power (from a small dose of adrenaline) for feelings of value, that is, feeling worthy of appreciation and respect, as opposed to feeling entitled to these things. We need to do what will make us feel more valuable when we feel vulnerable. When we feel valuable, we’re more likely to act in our long-term best interest. We’re likely to appreciate life and connections to others. To concentrate on value in the world, try these tips:
- Recognize the basic humanity of others (most people would help a desperate child)
- Appreciate your love for the significant people in your life
- Engage in some sort of spiritual expression that feels right for you
- Appreciate natural and creative beauty
- Perform small compassionate acts (for example, listening, offering emotional support, helping someone struggling).
Practicing a repertoire of valuing behaviors to crowd out resentment is a tall order, with a substantial reward.
