Building an Empowered Self Amid Identity Fluctuations

Self: the totality of the individual, consisting of all characteristic attributes, conscious and unconscious, mental and physical…. — APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Early psychological theorists (William James, Carl Jung, Karen Horney, and Gordon Allport, among others) shaped our thinking about the self as a developing entity that grows more complex over time.

In my practice, I use the umbrella term sense of self, which refers to the experience of self—what it’s like to be an individual. It includes:

• Temperament — my innate average emotional disposition
• Self-concept — beliefs about myself
• Self-value — how I treat myself (nurture my physical and mental health)
• Self-esteem — how I feel about myself
• Self-efficacy — broadly, my perceived ability to set goals and meet them
• Identity — the qualities and roles I like to think of as me and want others to regard as me (for example, teacher, student, parent, hard worker, victim, survivor, advocate, resilient, gender-expansive)

Temperament is a genetic mix of traits. Subjectively, it can be described as "my emotional tone"—what it feels like to be me. Every human being (and every animal, for that matter) is born with a definite temperament. Scientists combine different methods of measurement to make broad categories, which we often think of as "characteristics," some of which overlap with concepts of personality. These are usually presented on a continuum: for example, shy-outgoing, fearful-fearless, agreeable-aggressive. Key aspects of temperament are sensory threshold (easily over-stimulated or easily bored), average level of arousal (how excitable you get), and average energy level (how easily you can muster the physical and mental resources to do tasks).

The concept of "self" is distinguished from "identity" in that the self identifies. Put another way, identity is a way of expressing the self but is not, by any means, the whole self. Identity is conscious, while other aspects of the self are largely unconscious.

The most power­ful identi­ties are those that most accu­rately express the whole self. For example, the identity of an empowered self is that of a compe­tent, growth-oriented, moral, creative, self-validating, nurtur­ing, compas­sionate, efficacious, thoughtful, emotional, valuable, and valuing person. These qualities emerge from within, drawing their strength from deep conviction. The empowered self does not merely behave morally, competently, creatively, compassionately, and so on. The empowered self is competent, moral, creative, self-validating, compassionate, efficacious, thoughtful, emotional, valuable, and valuing, despite fluctuations in identity.

Fluctuations in Identity Are Normal.

Identity changes at least once in all stages of development. For example, the pre-school me identified with being a cowboy—I slept with my faux cowboy hat in “cowboy” pajamas. In Catholic elementary school, I identified with being a priest. The high school me identified with being a rebel. The college me identified with being a peacenik, staunchly opposed to the Vietnam war. In graduate school, I identified with being a scientist. The professional me identifies with being a helper. I felt and thought a little differently in each of those identities, but I was always the same person, with essentially the same sense of self.

When there is dissonance between the sense of self and identity, hidden shame (from covering up parts of the self to amplify others), fragile self-esteem, and defensively inflated ego abound. In the smartphone era, “self” and “selfie” are almost synonymous—you are what you look like.

Exercise: The Empowered Self in Writing

You may be tempted to start writing about yourself, focusing on your identity, but that will not lead to genuine self-discovery, as you are then likely to define each element of the self to fit your chosen identity. To build an empowered sense of self, accept that you are always much more than you look like and identify with.

• My temperament
• My self-concept (important beliefs about myself)
• My self-value (how I treat myself)
• My self-esteem
• My ability to set goals and meet them
• My identity

To reinforce the exercise, write a narrative—a paragraph or two—incorporating all elements of your sense of self. Write for self-validation. The empowered self relies on others for information, affection, and support but not validation. The ability of people to validate you depends on the strength of their own sense of self; it cannot be a reliable reflection of yours.