Verified by 
Key points
- You can communicate empathy with a simple sentence that shows you can understand, see, or hear what another person might be experiencing.
- We all want attention, and just letting the other person know you will stop and pay attention can reduce tension.
- We all need and want respect. It doesn't cost anything to give your respect to another person, and it may open up a meaningful conversation.
Using one or more sentences that shows another person your empathy, attention, or respect (EAR) is one of the easiest ways to calm a conflict, reassure a person who is feeling sad, or strengthen your bond. You can use an EAR Statement™ at any time, with any person. The following examples are ways to use an EAR Statement.
Empathy
“I can understand your frustration with this situation.”
“I can hear how hard this is.”
“I can see that this is not the way you wanted this to go.”
“I feel that way, too, sometimes.”
These are all examples of showing empathy. By saying you “can understand” or “can hear” or “can see,” it shows that you are able to relate to the experience or feeling that the other person has, without saying that you “know” how they are feeling. (Most people will tell you that you can’t know how they are feeling, but most like to know that you can relate to it.)
Empathy shows connection more than sympathy, which is often done at a distance: “I’m sorry to see that you got yourself into this situation.” That doesn’t make the other person feel like you’re connecting as equals, as empathy does.
Attention
“Tell me more. I want to understand what’s going on.”
“I care about you. I’ll listen.”
“You have my full attention.”
Of course, when paying attention, you also need to focus on the other person without distractions, such as looking at your watch. Try to keep eye contact. Leaning in can also show interest, which you can do even on a screen in a virtual call.
If you’re on the phone, you can say “uh-huh” and “I hear you” from time to time to let them know you’re paying attention. Surprisingly, many people don’t say a word during a phone conversation to let the other person know you are listening attentively. It’s not rude to say something brief that shows you’re paying close attention.
Respect
“I really respect the kind of work you do.”
“I respect your relationship with our daughter.”
“I respect your commitment to solving this problem.”
We all want and need respect. Wars are fought over people not feeling respected enough. Relationships often rise and fall around a feeling of mutual respect or feeling a lack of mutual respect. Just letting a partner or friend know that you respect them for something, even in the middle of an argument, can turn things into a more friendly and caring discussion.
Anyone Can Give an EAR Statement
EAR statements are simple, but it takes a willingness to engage and some practice. Many people resent the idea of giving someone an EAR Statement when they are being rude or unfriendly to you, but the reality is that either person can completely turn a hostile conversation around by inserting an EAR Statement. It can be something that shows empathy, attention, respect, or all three.
EAR Statements are similar to active listening and reflective listening, but they go one step beyond, showing that you heard clearly. They show that that you give the other person your empathy, attention, and respect. This giving of yourself often strengthens your connection with the other person, yet it doesn't have to be deep or complicated.
It often helps to practice giving an EAR Statement before a difficult conversation. Role-play an upcoming situation with a friend to get comfortable saying the words you want to use.
Setting Limits With an EAR Statement
One of the best situations to use EAR Statements is when you have to set limits at work, home, or elsewhere. You can say something like this:
“You may not realize it, but when you do _______, you may offend some people. I can understand that this may feel frustrating [empathy] and I respect your good intent [respect]. So you may want to do _______, instead. Of course, it’s up to you. I just want to help. What do you think?” [attention]
You can give this kind of EAR Statement to a 6-year-old child, a 40-year-old coworker, or a romantic partner. If you are around someone who is being offensive, this can be a simple statement rather than a major confrontation. It’s a way to avoid triggering intense defensiveness, which blocks any chance of the person changing their ways. It’s a simple alternative to saying nothing when someone is acting badly around you.
Conclusion
EAR Statements are one of the easiest ways to calm a conflict, help someone who is feeling down, or strengthen a relationship. They can be as easy as a sentence, or a longer statement that shows all three qualities: empathy, attention, and respect.
They can often help when dealing with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder, who may be frequently upset or engage in personal attacks.
EAR Statements often have a calming effect and help make better communication and problem-solving possible.
References
For more information and over twenty sample conversations with EAR Statements, see my book: Calming Upset People with EAR: How Statements Showing Empathy, Attention and Respect Can Quickly Defuse a Conflict (2021).
