A Better Way to Respond to Difficult Emails and Texts

When you receive a hostile or misinformed email, text, letter, or any other writing, it's tempting to write back in an equally hostile or disrespectful manner. But instead using what we've labeled a "BIFF Response"—short for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm—gives you a simple and structured way to provide useful information without triggering an escalated back-and-forth as we see so much today.

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Here are the main characteristics of a BIFF Response, followed by an example:

Brief

Even if you are responding to a long email or letter, you can usually respond with just one paragraph of 3-5 sentences. When you have received a long list of hostile points or arguments, you usually don’t need to respond to each one, even though it may feel that way. By being ​​​​​​brief, you reduce the risk of triggering more hostility back or including some point that the other person will feel compelled to argue with. If the other person is misinformed, you don’t need to point out that they are misinformed, even though it's tempting. Instead, briefly provide accurate information.

Informative

The main point of your response should be to provide useful information. Just focus on what the person needs to know, rather than being defensive, emotional, argumentative, or justifying. You don’t need to point out where they got it wrong. Your true information is the best way to clear things up. This often just takes a sentence or two.

Friendly

While this may be the last thing you feel like doing, try to make it friendly. Emotions can be contagious, so try to start your response with a friendly greeting, such as “Thanks for letting me know your concerns.” This often helps a lot in terms of calming someone who has written to you in anger. Otherwise, you’re unnecessarily returning their emotions. You can override another person’s hostility by training yourself to write in a friendly manner. It’s better to have them mirror your positive emotions, rather than you mirroring their negative emotions.

Firm

Firm means that your response should end the hostilities without leaving a hook for the other person to keep responding. "Firm" doesn’t mean "harsh." Ideally, there is nothing further to be said by either person. However, in some cases, you will need an answer to a question. In that case, try to make it a yes or no question, with a requested response date and time, such as “Please let me know yes or no by Thursday at 5 pm.”

BIFF Example: Email Exchange Between Divorced Parents

Carlos' Email to Maria: "When I got Junior today, he had an ear infection and needed to be taken to the doctor. The doctor said it was obvious that he got sick at your house over the weekend and YOU DID NOTHING ABOUT IT! He prescribed antibiotics which you will need to make sure he takes twice a day in his ear. I am sending the bottle with him to school tomorrow so make sure he has it in his backpack when you pick him up. Once again you have been IRRESPONSIBLE about Junior’s healthcare and I have to clean up after your irresponsibility. I will discuss this with my lawyer and decide whether to return to court to reduce your parenting time for the health and safety of our son!"

Maria’s Response to Carlos: "Thank you for taking Junior to the doctor. I will follow the directions for his medication. Junior had no signs of an ear infection while with me. As you may know, those symptoms can come on very quickly. I will keep you advised of Junior’s condition while he is with me."¹

Is Maria's Email a BIFF Response?

Maria’s email is certainly brief, a short paragraph with only five sentences. It is informative, without any unnecessary emotional or defensive comments. She informs Carlos that there were no signs of infection while with her and that “symptoms can come on very quickly,” thereby making it clear that she wasn’t irresponsible without rubbing it in. It's friendly enough, by saying “Thank you” and saying she will keep him “advised” of Junior’s condition. And it's firm, in that it ends the hostile conversation without leaving any hooks to keep it going, such as “What do you think of that, buddy?” which won’t help.

Conclusion

A BIFF communication can calm and clear up a written conversation, whether in response to someone else’s hostile communication or initiating a discussion. This can be especially helpful if you are communicating with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder, who may send frequent angry emails or texts. Just keep it Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

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To learn more about BIFF communications, see our books, including BIFF for CoParent Communication; BIFF at Work; or BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People.