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Key points
- With adult bullies, don't respond aggressively or passively. Be assertive.
- Realize that bullies may not be able to stop themselves, so you will need to act.
- Being assertive means it's usually OK to interrupt bullying behavior with a simple phrase or action.
- Talk to someone else so you don't become isolated. Know that it's OK to get help.
Bullying behavior is becoming a “new normal” in today’s world, for reasons I explain in my book Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them—How to Stop Them. Yet when faced with a bully in families, at work, in communities, and online, people are often caught by surprise.
We tend to respond emotionally by overreacting with aggressive behavior or under-reacting with passivity. Surprisingly, both of these emotional responses tend to encourage more bullying.
When you’re aggressive—like yelling or threatening to punch the bully in the nose or trying to destroy them online—a bully can point to you as bullying him or her instead. Then, people are less likely to listen to you when you say you are being bullied and need help. Bullies tend to be good at turning the tables that way.
On the other hand, if you’re passive—like a deer frozen in the headlights—the bully often feels encouraged to repeat their bullying because they may enjoy upsetting you and have learned that they can get away with it. Here are some ways to be assertive instead.
Be Psychologically Prepared
Most of us are used to managing our own emotions and behavior. In fact, when there is a conflict, it is normal to question yourself first: “What did I do to deserve such criticism or treatment?”
Bullies know this and often make it personal, by criticizing your looks, intelligence, competence, sanity, morals, and so forth. This can make you question yourself and feel like defending yourself.
Yet with bullying, it’s not about you. No one deserves to be bullied—even if you made a mistake. It takes a shift in thinking to realize that there is nothing you did that makes it appropriate to be bullied.
Instead, it’s about the bully and their lack of social skills. Simply reminding yourself of that, with phrases like these, can help: “No one deserves to be bullied.” “I didn’t do something to justify this treatment.” “It’s not about me.”
Another problem to anticipate is that bullies often can’t stop themselves. This behavior may be part of their personality. Many people have wishful thinking: “Oh, he’ll stop himself.” Or: “She’ll come to her senses.” Unfortunately, this is unlikely to happen if it is a personality-based, long-standing pattern of behavior.
Three Cluster B personality disorders identified in the diagnostic manual for mental health professionals (commonly known as the DSM)1 often lack the brakes that most people have to keep their social behavior within normal bounds. Some (but not all) people with these personalities have a characteristic that allows them to behave without normal restraints:
- Narcissistic personality: “Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.”2
- Antisocial personality: “Lack[s] remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.”3
- Borderline personality: “Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).”
Realizing it's not your fault will give you more energy and confidence for an assertive response.
Respond Assertively
When you realize you are being bullied, it’s helpful to know that you can interrupt what they are saying or doing. Most people feel that it's rude to interrupt someone while they are talking and bullies take advantage of this. Yet an assertive response can be simple and brief. You don’t have to work yourself up for a major confrontation.
For example, if it’s safe, you might firmly say: “That’s enough, Joe!” Or: “We’ll just have to agree to disagree.” Or: “Give me a break, Jane!” You can practice doing this with a friend or family member, so that you're ready when you need to say it to a bully.
If it’s not safe (if, for example, you live or work with someone violent), focus on getting away from the bully rather than worrying about what to say.
Talk to Someone
Be careful not to become isolated because you are being bullied. Unfortunately, this is a common reaction.
Talk to someone, anyone; even a friend or family member. Don’t keep it a secret. Bullies want to isolate you and it’s tempting to want to hide the fact that you are being bullied. But this makes it worse because then it eats away at your self-esteem. Talking to a therapist, a lawyer, or another professional can help you think about your options and develop a strategy for dealing with the situation.
Get Help
Many companies have policies that allow or encourage you to talk to someone in authority (such as a human resources department, an ombudsperson, a division chief, an employee assistance professional, or a union representative) to get some help. Since bullies may be someone in a position of authority over you, this can be uncomfortable, which is why it helps to talk to someone outside the organization first.
Keep in mind that those who are higher up in the organization may have an unusually favorable opinion of the bully, because many bullies are very effective at charming those above them. Many bullies “kick down” with those below them and “kiss up” with those above them.
Bystanders can help, too. If you see someone being bullied, you can also use a short statement to interrupt them just like the target of the bullying: “That’s enough, Joe!” Or: “Leave her alone, Jane!”
Keep in mind that bullying is usually a personality-based pattern of behavior, so the bully is likely to be treating others—sometimes many others—with similar behavior. Ask around and you may find some of them. Then, taking group action can make a big difference, as can be seen with the #MeToo movement against sexual harassment, which has uncovered many bullies.
Conclusion
With the increase in our society of adult bullying behavior, everyone needs to learn some basic assertive skills to stop it. It helps to be psychologically prepared for the presence of a bully in your life. You have the right to speak up, get help, set limits, and provide consequences.
To find help near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
1. American Psychiatric Association (APA): Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 2022. (Hereafter DSM-5-TR.)
2. DSM-5-TR at 760.
3. DSM-5-TR at 748.
4. DSM-5-TR at 753.
