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Narcissism
3 Secret Powers of Narcissistic Bullies
We mistakenly expect them to behave like everyone else.
Posted December 28, 2022 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Narcissistic bullies can be very aggressive in their bullying behavior and don’t restrain themselves the way that most people do.
- They often will attack their target’s self-esteem in order to dominate them, which can lead to self-doubts that immobilize their target.
- They can be skilled at playing the victim by telling others that their target is actually bullying them, which helps them avoid consequences.
- Recognizing these secret powers as soon as possible can help you avoid narcissistic bullies.
Not all narcissists are bullies, but many bullies are narcissists. This makes them more powerful in their relationships (at least temporarily) but also more predictable than the average person. Most people don't expect them to behave the way they do, so they are caught by surprise unless they know their patterns of behavior. Three powers, in particular, help them dominate others. If you recognize these, you are less likely to get into a bullying situation or may be able to get out sooner.
1. They Don't Stop Themselves.
Most people stop and think about their own behavior when there is a problem or a conflict. "What's my part in this problem?" "What can I do differently to help resolve this conflict?"
Narcissists don't reflect on their actions and rarely change their behavior. This enables them to be aggressive in the world without self-restraint. They don't stop their selfish or demeaning behavior, even though it may be obvious that they are being insensitive to or even hurting others. Why is this? It's their personality.
One of the common characteristics of people with a narcissistic personality disorder is: "Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others." 1 While you may be aware of this, you might be surprised at how far they are willing to go in behavior that treads on others without any regard for its impact on them. Also, as one of the four Cluster B personality disorders, they may have "significant associations with domineeringness, vindictiveness, and intrusiveness." 2
For example, in family relationships, they may publicly humiliate a parent or sibling or even a romantic partner in order to impress someone else on whom they are momentarily focused. In the workplace, they may get help from another coworker and then take credit for that worker's efforts on their behalf. They may pass the blame onto a colleague in ways that may actually damage that person's standing in the organization. Unfortunately, this often happens so suddenly that their targets are caught off-guard and don't respond to point out what has really happened. In business and in politics, you may see them mistreat others in order to advance themselves—including those who have helped them in the past.
It can be amazing how many chances narcissistic bullies are given without consequences for their aggressive behavior, even after they are exposed. "I think he's learned his lesson. He won't do that again." "She'll listen to me. She'll stop doing this once I have a talk with her." However, if the person has a personality disorder, that means they have an enduring pattern of behavior and are very unlikely to change.
2. They Attack Your Self-Esteem.
If you're in a relationship with a narcissistic bully, over time, you will feel worse and worse about yourself. As a narcissist, they see themselves as superior to everyone else, and they like to point that out. As a bully, they are usually intent on establishing a win-lose relationship with their target, in which they repeatedly win or dominate, and their target repeatedly loses. If they are confronted about their behavior by their target, they will attack their intelligence ("you wouldn't understand"), their competence ("you're terrible at this task"), or their strength and endurance ("you wouldn't last a week at the kind of work I do").
If you are in a romantic or family relationship with a narcissistic bully, your self-esteem will likely get worse over time, possibly without you even realizing it. This makes it harder and harder to escape from the situation. Likewise, in the workplace or a business partnership, you may experience the same thing. With repeated criticisms, it's easy to become self-critical. "I'm really not a good child or parent." "I'm really not very good at this work." This self-criticism also makes it harder and harder to get out of the situation.
3. They Are Skilled at Playing the Victim.
Whenever narcissists want to humiliate their target or get caught in their bullying behavior, they try to turn the tables and blame it on their target. If they wind up in court for some particularly bad behavior (e.g., domestic violence, sexual harassment at work, a business or political scandal), they will intensely attack their accuser as the one who is bullying them. This often involves a lot of projection, with them accusing the other person of the behavior of which they are guilty.
"She abuses me. She's just trying to get money by accusing me of all sorts of things." "He's made it a hostile workplace for me. He's a vengeful employee." "This is a witch hunt for a political advantage or to hurt my business."
In almost any setting, this can be a particularly hard power to fight back against because so many people may already be impressed by the narcissist's carefully-nurtured image in an organization or community. It can be an uphill battle to get people to see the bullying side of their personality.
Conclusion
These are just three of the surprising secret powers that narcissistic bullies have. However, now that you know these dynamics, you should be better prepared to spot them and steer clear of them if you start seeing hints of a narcissistic bully. In a dating relationship, notice how they relate to others and what they say behind their backs. In a hiring situation, ask around about bullying behavior or simply who to steer clear of.
If you are already in a bullying situation, make sure to talk to someone—anyone—so that you don't get isolated and start losing self-esteem. If they try to tell others that you are bullying them, be prepared to explain what is really going on; otherwise, people may believe them instead. Narcissistic bullies can ruin your life if you don't realize what is happening to you and don't protect yourself.
References
1. American Psychiatric Association (APA): Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 2022, 760.
