Saying No Isn't Easy

Anyone who has built up the nerve to express romantic feelings for someone, only to be rejected, knows how painful it can be. But new research shows that being on the other side of the exchange is often more difficult than suitors appreciate.

In two studies, researchers asked grad students in Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics (STEM) programs about actual experiences with people in their field or workplace and surveyed online participants about hypothetical scenarios. Both the real and imaginary situations included ones in which participants were the pursuers of someone who wasn't interested in them as well as instances in which they were pursued.

"Targets of the advances recalled that it was more difficult to say no than suitors imagined it was," explains lead author Vanessa Bohns, a psychologist at Cornell. Targets also reported feeling guilt and concern about suitors' hurt feelings to a degree suitors didn't realize. Bohns attributes this underestimation to an array of reasons, one being that the hopeful throes of a crush may blind individuals to the other person's perspective—and to how, even unintentionally, they make that person uncomfortable.

The findings suggest recipients of unwanted advances in a professional context may worry about work-related repercussions and diminished reputation. The team first looked at STEM students in particular, Bohns explains, because of ongoing concerns about the retention of women, who are underrepresented in those fields. Not surprisingly, researchers found that women in STEM were the targets of advances twice as often as men.

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