Creating Room for Optimal Growth of Your Child’s Giftedness

A common problem that has not been given a great deal of attention is how non-gifted parents of non-gifted children assume that they have valuable advice to give to mothers and fathers of gifted kids. Unfortunately, misguided or plain bad advice, no matter how well-meaning, can be dangerous and at the very least a complete waste of your time and energy.

I must admit I did give such advice myself, decades ago, with the help of my twin sister. We believed that our older brother, a genius who attended CalTech, was suffering from social skills problems. We did not know about social skills when we were children, but he was such a "nerd." Continually we pestered our mother to help him make friends. We were so relieved when he had a girlfriend. And he married a very smart MIT grad who studied black holes. All of our interventions led nowhere, except for giving me insight later in my life, when I met other families with gifted kids.

These bad but well-meaning suggestions I call “parent traps.” I’ll outline these traps and show how they can detract from your child’s well-being and development.

Parent Trap 1: Gifted kids can raise themselves

This is simply not true. Jealous parents who want gifted kids often make this suggestion. Gifted kids, because of their intensity, energy, and curiosity, require lots of extra parental attention. Even in early life, gifted children are highly sensitive and demanding for intellectual and emotional attention.

Parent Trap 2: You can raise your gifted child by yourself with no help

Raising a gifted child to reach their full potential requires a lot of help and support from a spouse or partner, grandparents, teachers, and gifted experts. If you try to parent without support, you will be drained and ineffective. So many key decisions need to be made with the help of your support team. Raising a gifted child alone is a recipe for disaster for your child and for yourself.

Parent Trap 3: It is OK to brag about your gifted child

No, you should not brag about your gifted son or daughter. It is dangerous to brag about your gifted child because it puts pressure on them to achieve and prevents them from finding out who they are and who they want to become on their own. Bragging about your child can contribute to their perfectionism and fear of making a mistake. Bragging can inhibit a gifted child from following their own strengths for fear of not being successful. You can brag to your partner, your therapist, or members of your gifted parents’ support group; otherwise, avoid your impulse to show off your child.

Parent Trap 4: Your child is so smart that school will be easy

This is an absolutely ridiculous idea. School is hard for gifted kids because they get bored easily. In addition, some activities are very challenging for them and they have difficulty learning what does not come immediately. Learning new things can seem impossible or be hard to master. Perfectionistic ideation (the creative process of forming a new idea, and you don’t want to be perfect at this step) can make school very challenging. Making friends can be difficult because some children shy away from gifted kids.

Parent Trap 5: You should give everything you didn’t get to your child

This perspective is sure to cause problems because your child does not have the same interests, strengths, and challenges that you had. It is crucial to give your child what they need. Extra vacations, lots of clothes, and trips to restaurants and theaters may not be appropriate. Your child may not want what you did not get, and they may come to feel misunderstood and resentful of your need to live your life through your child. Figure out what your child’s passions are and help them with these activities at a reasonable parental distance.

Parent Trap 6: There is a perfect school in your community that will meet all of your child’s special needs

The perfect school is a myth. You might be able to find a school that is “good enough” for your child and then augment what is missing in the curriculum at home or somewhere else after school. Making the most of the situation is a very positive way to approach the school placement problem. Constantly being disappointed with teachers and other school personnel will not help. Be careful to respect what a hard job your child’s teacher is having running her classroom. Give up your fantasy about the perfect school and respect that what your child is getting is good enough.

Parent Trap 7: You must devote your entire life to your energy-draining gifted child

No, that would be unhelpful and unnecessary. That would create too much inter-dependence between you and your son or daughter. Your child will grow up and leave home eventually so of course you need to have your own life. Trying too hard and getting too close creates perfectionism, and instills or intensifies the fear of making mistakes in your child. Set up priorities and teach your children about them.

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Parent Trap 8: Your gifted child can run the house better than you

Perhaps your child has told you this, on far too many occasions. “Know-it-all” behavior is a characteristic of gifted kids but it is not the truth. Maintain your authority in your home. When you lose your authority, you lose your ability to teach your children what they need to know. Gifted kids need to respect what parents and teachers say. Too often I hear that homework is stupid, and teachers and principals are old-fashioned. Gifted children are sure that their decisions about when and how to do their homework are correct. Guess what? Gifted kids are often very wrong.

Parent Trap 9: You can solve every problem that comes your way

Wrong. No matter how hard you try, you cannot do everything that needs to be done. Establish priorities. Teach your children how to make a list of what is important and what can be done tomorrow. When you curtail your own perfectionism, you are modeling good behavior for your child and taking care of yourself.

Conclusions

Parents of gifted kids are ambitious and seek out the best for their children. Parental intensity and constant evaluation of the progress their child is making can just be too much. Stage mothers (and fathers) are tempted to add many private lessons to keep their child “first” or “best.” The likely outcome is burnout and rage at Mom, who can’t stop pushing. As well, children who are pressured to “win” may become seriously depressed when they fall short.

Pressure to achieve and do the best you can is important but not imperative, especially not at any cost. Parents need to love and support their children no matter how talented and successful they are. It is the parent’s role to make sure that their child is not taking a dangerous path to achieve in their desired field. Teaching what is reasonable is critical.