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Key points
- Maladaptive beliefs from relational trauma can negatively impact self-perception and hinder healthy relating.
- Engaging in maladaptive behaviors as a result of these beliefs can lead to self-defeating actions.
- Therapy, particularly EMDR, is a vital tool in transforming maladaptive beliefs and behaviors.
Maladaptive beliefs are thoughts or ideas we hold about ourselves and the world that are unhelpful and can cause problems in our lives. These beliefs often stem from the impact of relational trauma and can make us feel bad about ourselves, affect our relationships, and influence our behavior in negative ways. They are called “maladaptive” because they don’t help us function well or have healthy relationships. Instead, they often lead to distress, anxiety, or difficulty in our daily lives.
A sample of maladaptive beliefs about relationship might look like:
“I’m too messed up to be loved by anyone.”
“No one will want me once they know about my past.”
“All guys/girls are cheaters, just like my father.”
And this is just a small sample of maladaptive beliefs.
Maladaptive behaviors
Maladaptive behaviors are actions or ways of behaving that are unhelpful or counterproductive in achieving our goals or maintaining our well-being. These behaviors often result from maladaptive beliefs and can lead to difficulties in our lives and relationships. Maladaptive behaviors are typically harmful or self-defeating, preventing us from adapting to new situations or finding better solutions to problems. In essence, they are actions that don’t serve our best interests and can hinder our personal growth and overall happiness.
A sample of maladaptive behaviors in relationship might look like:
- You let people treat you poorly because you think it’s all you deserve.
- When someone disappoints you, you often end things right away, thinking you have no other choice.
- Often, you expect your partner to cheat on you, which can lead to jealousy and unfounded accusations.
Between these beliefs and these behaviors, attempting to be in relationship with anyone, let alone a romantic partner that may trigger our attachment wounds to a degree and intensity than any other kind of relationship, can often feel like two hedgehogs trying to hug each other in a cold, haunted mansion.
Many of us dismiss the reality that relationships can be the single biggest healing agent.
But painful and perilous as attempting to be in relationships might feel when we come from relational trauma histories, many people dismiss and/or don’t realize that relationships can actually be the single greatest accelerant for personal healing work and the biggest variable that can help heal our relational trauma histories.
And this isn’t just positive thinking: this is due in part to the phenomenon of neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity, or the brain’s capacity to reorganize and adapt, has been extensively documented in scientific literature. Neural connections in the brain can be reshaped through experiences and learning.
The brain’s ability to rewire itself is not limited to early development but continues throughout life, as demonstrated by another study. This neuroplasticity forms the basis for the brain’s potential for change and growth.
Relationships can have a profound impact on the brain’s plasticity. A study in the Journal of Psychiatric Research highlighted how supportive social relationships can lead to positive changes in brain structure and function.
These studies collectively underscore the significant impact of relationships on brain plasticity and emphasize the potential for positive changes in the brain through supportive and healthy social connections.
You can expect and receive this kind of relationship from relational trauma therapists and others in your life who provide qualities of safety, security, consistency, etc.
And, absolutely, these kinds of relationships can be romantic in nature.
But how do we take those first steps to get into a romantic relationship when we know we’ve been negatively impacted by our early relational trauma histories?
So many of us have the belief that we can’t be in relationships until we’re “fully healed” or “healed enough” (whatever that means).
And yet I would argue that awareness couples with a willingness to work on yourself no matter what your current maladaptive beliefs and behaviors (or adaptive beliefs and behaviors are) can be a good enough place to begin.
How do we work through those maladaptive beliefs and behaviors?
So how do we work through these stories once we identify them? How do we rewire our neural pathways through both relationship and new experiences?
The answer in two words: Trauma therapy.
Specifically, and with more context, it’s important for you to know that evidence-based therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be a truly wonderful resource.
EMDR has been shown to be particularly effective in rewiring maladaptive cognitions and behaviors associated with relationship formation or any other aspect of life.
Combine this with the kind of reparative relational experience you can have in a secure, attuned relationship with a licensed mental health professional who can provide the attunement, mirroring, safety and constancy that’s needed for recovery from adverse early childhood experiences, and it’s a powerful recipe for change.
To find a therapist near you, consult the Psychology Today Directory
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